Image Credit: https://pixabay.com/en/divorce-separation-relationship
Even though the US divorce rate is swiftly declining, thousands of them still occur every year. On top of that, the fact that the numbers are looking better is hardly going to be a comfort to families that haven’t contributed to that decline. If you’re going through a split, it’s hard to know what to do next.
In particular, it’s the kids that take it harder than most, and it’s often hard for them to come to terms with the change. And part of this lands on you, the parents. The important bit rests in how you tell your kids, and how you convey your marital struggles to them. It’s not an easy conversation to have, but have it you must – and here’s how to do it effectively.
Choose your words carefully
Otherwise, your children may end up feeling like it’s their fault. Under no circumstances should you use words or phrases that could, to your kids, feel like blame. You need to keep your language clean, and free of insults, no matter how you feel about the situation.
Additionally, you shouldn’t tell them the reason why things are failing, either. No matter what that reason is, your child may find a way to link it back to them. Also, don’t pin the blame on one parent. Kids often see themselves as extensions of their mother or father, so blaming one is effectively blaming the child.
Make sure you come to terms with it yourself
If you feel angry, sad and confused, these emotions will likely come across when you sit down to chat to your children. If you aren’t fully in control of the situation yourself, how can you expect your kids to grasp it?
You must have reached a happy resolution before you inform your children. For your kids, the more cheerful the news, the better! Instead of ‘mommy and daddy are arguing all the time’ make it ‘mommy and daddy are just friends now’. This will make it easier for your children to understand, as well as making it easier for you to explain.
A process such as divorce mediation could help the two of you reach an amicable result quickly. Above all, don’t be hasty. This whole situation will take time to cool down, and only then should your kids be informed.
Let them know that things won’t change
Children love familiarity, so you have to make sure theirs stays intact. Use phrases like ‘we still love you’ and ‘we’ll both still see you every day’ (unless that’s not applicable). If you have a holiday coming up, stress that that holiday will still go ahead. If you tell them that very little will be changing, they’ll be more willing to accept the news.
Keep conversations brief
If you sit down and drone on for an hour, your children are likely to lose interest. On top of this, they may not be able to process so much information at once. As such, I’d recommend having two 20 minute conversations, or three 15 minute conversations. You have to get right to the heart of the matter and be as brief and concise as possible.
9 thoughts on “How To Effectively Explain Divorce To Your Kids”
Having been there, I know it’s a tough conversation to have. I think it was a bit easier for us because we’d been separated for a while so it wasn’t a blindside.
Ive never been in this situation but these are great tips!
I wish I could remember how my parents explained it to me. Im guessing not well.
Great post. This is a situation I’ve never really thought about but man it would be hard. I was 3 when my parents split so I really just wasn’t aware.
As far as tine goes, I believe your point applies to most conversations. I find the more specific and brief the better in many cases.
My sister did not have any chance to explain it to her kids because her husband just left without leaving any word. I think she’s working on filing for divorce. Her kids support her all the way because their father was not much of a father anyway.
This is very good advice. Children have a very hard time with divorce even when their parents remain friendly–trying to make it as easy as possible for them is key to a well adjusted child!
Such a hard time in life, but with proper care the kids can end up doing better if Mom and Dad are happier. Great tips!
A topic like this is essential these days, so thank you very much for talking about it. These are very well said. It’s tough to explain matters like this to kids but with a little care and sensitivity, it is possible.