Was Marriage More Eternal To Those Who Waited?

I often wonder if marriage lasted longer with those who waited to have sexual relations until after they were wed? Who knows exactly what it is that keeps two people together in a marriage while the other couple is siting in divorce court ready to point fingers, lay blame and argue their way through an ugly divorce that ends up hurting all involved, including themselves.

I recently found an article shared by a friend on a Facebook titled You never Marry the Right Person and I just had to read this. I am always intrigued by people’s opinions on marriage, because after all I often wonder about my own decision to marry and then later on to get divorced. I still live with the hope that my family will get this thing figured out and we will continue on being strong together as a united family, but it’s difficult to fight with my own internal feelings of “is this person right for me”.

In all honesty, my ex husband who I often slip up and still call my husband from time to time or when introducing him to someone else, is a very supportive man. Although this man has flaws that annoy the hell out of me, as I am sure I do with him, we are two people on a similar quest with a very aligned future.  J and I both have similar, if not the same, hopes and dreams in family life, for our children, retirement and business. Can not two people come together to make a marriage or relationship work based on common goals and dreams? I think they can.

The problem is that I did not wait to have a sexual life until after marriage, I started having sex at the age of 14 and looking back it was to feel loved, wanted and desired. I was looking to have sexual relations fulfill something missing deep inside of me, an emotional void so to speak. Of course having sexual relations did nothing for me, no gap in my emotional character was filled, I wasn’t satisfied ever and no one ever lived up to the whole package I had in my head for a healthy, desirable relationship.

After reading  You never Marry the Right Person I realized that maybe, just maybe, my standards were set too high for anyone to ever fit into.

When I went from a sexually active teen and young adult to a thirty year old mother it seems my mind has changed on what is important, what one should truly value in a life long partner. This idea that my mind has changed on what a real relationship or marriage should be has changed me for the better and I can only hope that my children will be able to see that waiting for sexual relations is vitally important. I hope that I can teach my children the true meaning behind loving another person so that they do not fall into the trap of placing their wants/needs/desires so high that no one will ever fit into the mold.

I won’t try to enforce no sex before marriage, but I will do my best to teach my children that no sexual relation will fill them the way an intellectual connection between two flawed people will.

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4 comments

  1. debbi (87 comments) says:

    IMO, YES, people who wait do have longer and better marriages.
    I don’t believe that ‘waiting or not waiting’ is the real issue, tho. While I definitely believe that abstinence before marriage is biblical and BEST, I realize that it is only an indication of something more important–the attitude of those marrying each other. The article you referenced clearly points out that one’s view of marriage greatly affects the outcome–am I entering marriage to get something…or to gain something? If I am in it to get, I am focused on only myself. If I am in it to GAIN, then I realize that there is a mutual benefit, and that it requires commitment, hard work and *gulp* selflessness on my part. But the reward…WOW.
    We all work hard at other things in life…parenting, our jobs, etc. Why is that we don’t give marriage the same effort? I can’t say that my marriage has always been perfect or easy (far from it), but the effort I have had to put into it has been FAR exceeded by the benefits I have received. And GOD has been the true key to keeping my marriage at its best.

  2. Cascia Talbert (15 comments) says:

    Yes abstaining is the right thing but when you are a young teenager this is very hard to do. I tried but failed by the time I was sixteen so I can relate to what you went through as a teenager, Brandy. I gave birth to my first child before my 19th birthday and did not marry her father. I am glad that I waited until I was older to finally get married, although sometimes I wonder why I married the man I am with today. But when I think about it and look at our beautiful children then I know why we are still together. I have had rocky moments in my marriage because to be frank marriage isn’t easy. But we have stuck it out for nearly nine years now and I wouldn’t change a thing.

  3. MommaDJane (394 comments) says:

    Such good points. And nowadays it’s such a tough stance to take. I am trying my hardest to teach T to wait until marriage but unfortunately I’m an example of not waiting. Great post!

  4. Terri K (@tkharmonic) (97 comments) says:

    I don’t know, I grew up differently than most of my friends. My parents divorced when I was four or five, and I was the only kid in my school with divorced parents. My Dad remarried several times and my Mom had a constant parade of men in and out of my life.

    So for me, unlike most people, marriage was not a goal, but the avoidance of a bad marriage and divorce was.

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