Held Back Temporarily but not Forever

So my son is on a new medication, combined with his old medication increased a bit. We shall see if these two work well together or not, in the meantime things have started to slow down with his mood swings and he has been more loving which is super fun to experience. Aj is not my lovey dovey kind of kid so when he is in this mindset I take full advantage as long as he can withhold himself from being all huggy when I am trying to cook over a hot stove or doing something like folding laundry and he makes me drop laundry every time he goes in for a hug or kiss.


Things are starting to feel a little more level around here for me, it could be that things on my own health personal end are resolved a bit at the moment which probably was creating more stress on me than I thought. Today is a new day and I awoke feeling a little crampy and not so awake at first but in moments with my two smiley boys talking away to me, I jumped out of bed ready to start the day.

My sons were busy playing around pretend Transformers after they quickly got dressed and brushed teeth for me.

The morning routine went so well today that I even had time to shower before dropping them to school, which is not normally something I end up with time to do.

I then went to the grocery store and pick up kielbasa because it’s buy one get one free and my Aj just loves his kielbasa for dinner. I plan to make a yummy meal tomorrow with chicken breast, baked potatoes and maybe some green beans.

So today I woke up feeling a bit more like ME again and I cannot even begin to explain how much of a relief off of my shoulders that is. Sure I have some emotional feelings going on with some stuff in my life, but I feel as if I am better knowing what’s what and don’t feel held back. The held back, stressed out feelings were what was keeping me from sharing anything personal on this blog lately. I knew if I started to type up anything that my tone would be more negative, hateful and just not me. I didn’t want to get one hundred questions about what’s wrong with me.

I was completely out of my mind and body for a bit which makes perfect sense with all that I have had going on in the past five weeks or so. I am thankful to be feeling a bit more level today and look forward to regaining control over my hormones soon.

Hoping you all have been wonderful and nothing is holding you back from being yourself!

Hoping for Breath of Fresh Air with my Son #mooddisorder #bipolar #therapy

The one person who has seen Aj from the “beginning” so to speak has been this counselor that I am going to see today. What I am hoping to gain from today’s meeting?

  • A new insight to what’s been going on with Aj for the past five weeks.
  • Assistance in getting the new pysch to listen or possibly find a referral to a new pediatric psychiatrist for our son.
  • Advice on whether he truly feels the meds his pysch put him on would be beneficial.

You see, Aj has now capped on his anti psychotic medication which means he can not go higher and the dose he is on isn’t really helping anything as a whole. If you ask me, he is better than he was without any medication but he isn’t 100% at this time. It seems this boy who often metabolizes medicine quicker than your average child is no longer having much benefit from his Abilify. The new pych has also placed him on medication for his anxiety but the full effects of that won’t be seen for 2-4 weeks and we just finished week 1 of him being on that.

The mood swings, the highs and the lows, the overly loving, the insane OCD and all of that is now back and it’s so difficult to work with. Aj is exhibiting his signs of the autism spectrum that used to shine through when his medication was wrong or when he was on no medication at all and it’s so difficult to parent this child. For instance; Aj doesn’t take social ques and he isn’t good with sarcasm. What you say – you mean. Aj is a very literal boy and if you say “in a few minutes”, when his medication isn’t working, he will stare at that clock for THREE minutes and expect you to drop everything right there because you said “in a few minutes”. That’s just one small example, but the list goes on and it’s so difficult.

Imagine raising a child who never fully “gets” empathy or sarcasm? For me, I am a sarcastic fool but not always as a parent just as a person and when we are playing around in the house I may act goofy and be a little sarcastic in a fun way while playing with the children; you cannot do this to Aj for it will send him into complete melt down mode. Surprises? Forget it, Aj hates surprises so bad he will have a major mood swing meltdown of anger over not knowing what the surprise is – he HATES them. My other two kids LOVE suprises.

I just feel, as of late, that we are going backwards. The pysch says “well I haven’t seen the symptomes of child bipolar in Aj”, and I reply that of course she doesn’t, only his counselor has and a select few people who knew him before medication have seen that. He has been on anti psychotics for over a year now if not two years and that is basically why you are no longer seeing the hallucinations and other symptoms of child bipolar – his meds are working “kind of” but not “fully”. You see, his abilify keeps some symptoms at bay but he really isn’t fully benefiting from the dose he is on. The problem is that based on prior conversations the only other two medications for anti psychotics he can take will have him increase weight again, something he finally is working off from the risperidone side effects. He gained over 30 lbs in a short period of time when he was on Risperidone. I can’t put him in that position again.

It’s such a difficult time and I am fighting to stay strong, it’s getting harder and harder each day with his mood swings, but I once fought for this child without him being on any medication so if he is sort of being helped a tiny bit with medication, that means it’s no where near as bad as it could be. That is what I try to remind myself as I  continue moving forward and fighting for my son – that’s my job!

Remember – mood disorders are not a choice, it’s something a person lives with, struggles with and has no control over. Sometimes as people get older they can have better control and coping skills, but sometimes medication is needed to keep that chemical balance going on in the brain. A chemical imbalance is not a choice, it’s something no one has control over. That is really what my seven year old has dealt with since the day he was born and it’s his Dad and Me who will continue to fight the battle to ensure Aj has a chance to be steady in life.

With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming, and watching as Aj’s medication being off is affecting my other two children a lot, I really just hope we can get a solution so that the holidays will be special for us all.

Risperdal Has Really Been a Blessing

I started the journey with my middle child at age 2 and most of you who have been reading since then know my story but for those who don’t, my son Aj was born angry. He had one emotion, angry, since the baby years and up. At age 2 his Dad and I finally started to see various specialists who once again were not sure to diagnosis a child so young with anything. Later on Aj was diagnosed with ADHD, however, the mood changes are what made the ADHD diagnosis not 100% certain according to his counselor.

Finally about six months ago Aj was diagnosed with a mood disorder, bipolar to be exact. Although I believe the diagnosis is not 100% bipolar and they are calling it more of a mood disorder due to his age of only 5 years old, I am happy in some ways they finally were able to try out a mood disorder medication called Risperdal also known as Risperdone in it’s generic form.

Being a parent who doesn’t want to medicate a child, that was the last option for us, his Dad and I first thought maybe the parenting technique we used simply wasn’t working for Aj and that we would need to be trained so to speak on how to parent Aj. The “training” wasn’t really taking and with a bipolar child it wouldn’t take. Growing up knowing what bipolar is, for it runs in the family, I knew Aj had it. I didn’t care what the specialists and doctors wanted to say, I knew it and I know my kid.

The pediatric psychiatrist has Aj on .5mg of Risperdal two times a day, one time in the morning and one time in the evening. This dose is working wonders. No longer is Aj having major anxiety at school, no longer is he angered over everything, the mood he has is relatively steady and he still has his high spirit and energy levels. It is almost as though Risperdal has been a true blessing for Aj, giving him a chance to not have to go through what so many with bipolar go through; suicidal thoughts and actions, manic mood changes and so much more that can come along with this disorder later in life.

Aj does chores, helps around the house, attends various activities without much issues and has a great time enjoying the life of an almost six year old. It amazes me everyday to see how outgoing and talkative Aj has become. I love to see him smile for pictures and give me a hug for no reason. Never having been overly affectionate, he still only gives hugs on occasion but the smallest hug any day from him means so much more for I know it is a rare occasion.

I have been asked if Aj would outgrow bipolar and the answer is quite simply “NO”, bipolar is not something anyone can outgrow, however, I have hope that there is a possibility it may be a misdiagnosis and not 100% bipolar, that meaning he may learn how to handle the mood changes and not need medication for the rest of his life, but if he truly is bipolar then yes he will need some form of bipolar medication for the rest of his life in order to function in any somewhat normal way in society.

No I don’t like saying my son is bipolar, but I am educated enough to know a diagnosis doesn’t cripple a child, any child with any medical issue can make the world a better place if they are loved and encouraged to reach for the stars!

Mood Disorder in First Year After Child

I think that most woman and their partners need to be educated about postpartum depression if they are planning to have children. Postpartum depression is real and it can truly affect your life in many ways. I see all too many deaths of children at the hands of their own mothers lately and had we the education during OBGYN care and in society in general I would like to think there would be less issues of children dying at the hands of their mothers.

I am in no way saying that postpartum depression is an excuse for a mother to murder their child, however, what I am saying is that I am fully aware of the chemical inbalance having a mental health issue creates. While I was pregnant the topic of postpartum depression never really came up, sure the doc mentioned this may happen but never really was it talked about in detail or later on. I recall telling my OBGYN during one of my pregnancies after my child was born that I felt depressed, unable to move, felt worthless and was really struggling with negative mood swings. These mood swings led my life in a crazy direction for the next few years and had I been educated, received necessary care for that problem, I wonder if things would have been different for my personal life.

In all reality it doesn’t matter the what ifs behind my particular situation nor does it matter for anyone else. Unfortunately what has happened, has happened so why can’t we take a moment to find a way to educate woman and families about the crazy level of depression and mood disorders a woman can have when her hormone levels are fluctuating so badly after the birth of a baby? We need more education and there has to be a way to get more education out there to all!

Please watch this video .. I have been here … I can relate to almost every story on here! It is sad, we need more help & education!

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