How to Make a Valid Decision and Follow Through

Many are faced with decisions to make every day, whether it be what to purchase for groceries, what items your children need or much bigger decisions such as divorce, we all have decisions to make on a daily basis. I decided that I would make an easy to follow list of how you can make a valid decision and follow through.

Because you know, I am like so good at that myself. {if you are sensing sarcasm, you are correct}

While I may not be great at following my own advice, and really, who is? I am very great at lending advice that if followed through with makes perfect sense and actually works out as a benefit to your life as you know it! Come along with me, amuse me if you will.

Read on …

How to Make Valid Decisions and Follow Through

Yes. No Maybe. We live in a world full of non-committal responses and actions. We fear to say YES and NO more and tend to lean closer to MAYBE. This is not okay. Maybe doesn’t get you anywhere. Except, well, honestly I firmly believe maybe will get you nowhere fast.

Okay, are you ready for my advice to start? I hope so. I really do. I need to feel as if I am helping someone because Spring is here and it’s time to turn over a new leaf!

  • Acknowledge that there is a Decision to be Made – Come face to face in the mirror with your own self and make a firm realization that things just have to change. A decision has to be formed, sooner rather than later.
  • Understand What Decision has to be Made – Take the scenario that you are faced with, a piece of paper, a pen and write down a pros and cons list of this decision you are faced with. Do not do this during times of high emotion or hormone fluctuations.
  • Share Pros and Cons with a Close Friend – Take your list of pros and cons with the decision written above it and ask a close friend if they feel your pros and cons list are truly valid enough to argue a point to make the decision you must make. Logic, emotions and a third unbiased person’s opinion matter in the decision making process.
  • Set a Date – Make yourself commit to a date that you have to address this decision by and do not back peddle. Stick with this decision, even if it’s the hardest decision you have ever made in your life. Setting a date allows you to take time to continue to think it out, rationalize with yourself and hold yourself accountable to take action.
  • Speak Truth and With a Matter of Fact Tone – This is a great tip for those deciding to divorce or end a friendship, we can notice if a person is using a confident “they have made their final decision tone” or not. Do not allow the other person to feel as if there is hope, room for them to change your mind or anything like that. Keep a matter of fact, this is how it is type of tone when speaking.
  • Be Sure to Address Valid Reasons for Decision – When making the decision be sure that you are dealing with it in regards to logistical reasons and emotions. Sometimes, depending upon the decision to be made you may have to weigh heavier on the emotional side than logistical side, but I am sure you can determine which type of decision this falls under.
  • Breath and Follow Through to the End- This is the last step, be sure to breath and move forward from here. Do not fear how the other person affected by your decision is going to respond because in all reality you are the one person who matters most and that goes to saying without being selfish. You are not selfish for putting your own needs/sanity/emotions/well being ahead of anyone else. Do not stop to look back, we only move forward in life!

These tips are pretty much great for any scenario but with some situations it may require a long process to completely finish and follow through with. The whole point to this post really is to …

Allow yourself to be important. Your needs and emotions are valid. Life is about living it to the fullest in your  happiest of ways, do not allow anyone else to make you question your own well being. It isn’t fun to hurt others, but sometimes in life we have to in order to find our true self and love our true self.

“Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

You Need to Separate From your Son

Prior to the diagnosis of Autism this past week, we met with Aj’s counselor. I say Aj’s counselor but really he helps my ex husband and I to move forward with Aj and occasionally he does play a game to interact with Aj, overall he is more there to ensure we are keeping up with the parenting techniques that work for Aj. While I will tell you that I would highly recommend Aj’s counselor, I was left feeling jaw dropped at an appointment we had about a month ago.

Here’s what happened…

On this particular visit the emotional connection between Aj and I was very prevalent in the room. The counselor noticed it, my ex husband noticed it and of course I noticed it. Aj was having a rough time this visit and needed to have a time out, a time out with Aj usually means to-be-restrained, because usually he will not handle sitting in a time out without the basketball hold restraint. It took everything out of me emotionally to watch as my ex husband restrained our son, I don’t like it. I always feel there has to be another solution to working through Aj’s frustrations with communication or redirection.  Yet I do realize restraining had become the only option up until that point because of the medications messing with our son.

This restraining situation is what pushed the next topic in the session …

The counselor told me that I had to separate that emotional connection I have with my son, because as I spoke about Aj tears began to form in my eyes, my heart was breaking for my son as I spoke to the counselor. Mind you, this was before the autism diagnosis and I was simply starting to feel lost, as if we would never find a good solution for my son to thrive. I understood what the counselor meant, but I don’t think he realized what I meant. You see, emotionally connected to Aj, means that we have this energy about us, we have this connection much unlike the connection I have with my other two children. While I love and connect with all three of my children, this particular connection between Aj and I is different, it feels almost spiritual.  I left that appointment feeling upset, angry and frustrated. I was upset that the counselor wasn’t really seeing that my emotional connection with Aj is more beneficial than harmful for my son.

Here’s what I’ve now realized about that emotional connection …

For one, I am the primary parental unit for my children, specifically with Aj I have been the one constant, meaning while he does have a relationship with his father and my fiance, I am the one who works from home, is here for all appointments and takes him to the appointments, goes to all events and is home 24/7 so it’s only natural that Aj has formed more of a connection or bond with me versus the type of bond he has with others he loves. Once I felt in my heart that Aj was on the spectrum, which happened within the past couple of months that he’s been medication-free, something changed in me. I started having more patience and I started being more aware of what works for Aj and I started to work with and for Aj versus trying to get him to adapt into what I felt he should be. While I am not that parent that pushes a child to be a certain way, I simply mean that Aj couldn’t adapt to the parenting ways that his siblings can, so I stepped back and started to adapt my parenting techniques to him. This decision to adapt to my son has made Aj thrive in ways he never has. In this past month I was able to convince Aj to attend THREE functions; Family Math Night, Family Literacy Night and The Library Arts Center Elementary Art Exhibit Show.

I would have never in a million years been able to convince Aj to go to any events. Aj has always been that kid who thrives on a rigid routine, when we arrive home from school there is no leaving the house again, without a fit. For me to use the emotional connection that I have with Aj as a way to gain trust in him to go outside of his comfort zone tells me that there is nothing wrong with the emotional connection Aj and I have. Aj is on the spectrum and he is going to be that connected to those who he has a bond with, plain and simple. If one were to try to separate that connection we have, it would be detrimental to his growth. Our emotional connection has allowed me to get Aj to go outside of his comfort zone, to try a few new things, to be open to the idea of small changes. While this is a lot of work using my words and tones to get him to come around and take part in extra events, I am willing to do that work if it means he is showing signs of advancement socially.

Aj didn’t last more than 30 minutes at Math Night, he only lasted 45 minutes at literacy night and the art show; but he wouldn’t have even gone into the van to leave just a few months ago without a fit of rage and me having to drag him to the van. To me, that is what our emotional connection has done for Aj. My emotional connection with my son and patient, loving, nurturing personality is what has allowed my son to thrive in more ways than he ever has in the past on medications. The gift of Mama’s love and encouragement has shown me that medicine isn’t always about popping a pill.

A Parent Shall Forever Fight for What’s Best

What’s best for each child is different from family to family, child to child, but one thing for sure I know is that each parent fights for what they feel is best for their child. For me, it’s all about trying to figure out how to properly medicate my six year old son. From age two we have fought and fought to figure out why this child was pretty much born angry. Back in the day his Dad and I always said that Aj had one mood and emotion only, that was anger. Maybe you could call it irritability but anger was his most common emotion. There were no signs of compassion, sadness or anything else, just anger.

After seeking many consults with various specialists for testing and going through therapy for assistance in parenting techniques to work with our usually angry child, we ended up in the hands of a pediatric psychiatrist for diagnosis for a medication choice. The various medications Aj had tried; one being something for sleep after natural remedies didn’t work and another for ADHD, had just never worked fully. No matter what was tried on Aj he would have results for a short period of time and then go back to hello angry, irritable little man.

That is where we are at again. The switching from Risperidone to Abilify has seemed to only worsen his side effects of being irritable and argumentative to boot. Aj is back to arguing over the simplest of things such as a word he feels is not a real word and in turn getting mad at his book for the word appearing over and over in the book.  For instance, the other day I was helping him with sounding out a word in a book he was reading, the word to him was suppose to be home but in all reality it was cottage. Based on context Aj knew the book wanted to reference the home of the lady in the book and yet felt cottage was not a real word. No matter how many times I broke the word down, showed him how home or house looks {two words he does know how to read and spell}, he just would not believe me.  Aj was convinced I was lying to him and proceeded to even yell at the book each time the word cottage would show up. My daughter was frustrated too because she was trying to help him sound out the word and explaining it is a real word to no avail.

Little instances like that with the word cottage are typical of Aj when medication is not right or he is not on any medication at all. I am at the point of tears nearly every day because Aj isn’t sleeping and I just don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think to do is write this all down and put it out there for someone somewhere to read… and in the meantime I put a call into his old therapist/counselor as well as his psychiatrist because I am at my wits end of knowing what to do. Sure, I can deal with no sleep for short periods of time but to combine no sleep with Aj’s change in behavior and moods? That is really testing what I can indeed handle.

After all, I obviously have other things going on in my life that need tending to as well, basically I am back to having my world revolve 100% around Aj. I am not complaining, I love my son, but what happens is this downward spiral of family disconnect. My daughter understands but is hurt because Aj is like he used to be {as she put it the other day} and misses out on time with me alone and my youngest takes full advantage of the change in Mommy having to pay the most attention to Aj. It’s such a difficult time and I honestly in all reality feel like Aj has gone back to what he was like without medication even though he is on medication.

I swear I will be fighting this battle for what is best for Aj all of his life, I just wish something would stick with him so that we can stop having these roller coaster rides of moods and emotions. It’s so hard for me, I can only imagine how Aj feels inside.

My Kids are Happy, Even the Little One

My youngest child is my sweet four year old son who at times can be found to be rather grumpy since the past few months. K-man started to get grumpy when he was upset about something or not happy, it’s as if he simply put – did not know how to voice his unhappiness or emotions at all. Every single emotion was played out through actions. That meant if he was not happy, he was aggressive. If he was happy, he was overly hyper. It was as if he simply did not know how to deal with any change in emotional feelings. Which I have found is common for age four?!

Loving Mother with her son

Then one day, all of a sudden, my “baby” started to be super happy, consistently happy. Amazingly happy. I was baffled but then it dawned on me, I am happy, consistently amazingly happy too. It’s so true that happy parents make happy children because I was having some rough patches for a bit, all the while K-man was too. Finally, I met this man and his children and him have become a consistent part of our world. Ever since then? My kids have been extremely happy and while they still have their normal childhood testing of my patience and boundaries – they seem to be happy with my relationship choice too.

It’s such an amazing feeling when you find that one person who seems to be that perfect match for you but then when you find out his two kids are a perfect match with your three kids – it’s heaven on Earth! We all are so amazingly happy and enjoying life that my four year old is now giving me hugs, kisses and often is my sidekick partner again. Whether baking, doing crafts or simply cuddling up to watch some Bubble Guppies while eating lunch, my K-man is back to being super happy and lovey dovey!

The great news? His Dad said K-man was super lovey dovey to him as well last night during his visit! So across the board the changes that are being made around here are shown to be a positive one because not only am I insanely happy, but my children are too! I love it when I makegood decisions; not only as a parent but as an individual woman too!

There’s One Thing I Know For Sure

Whenever I am doubting various areas in my life or questioning what to do next, there is one part of me that always stays constant, a part that is vitally important to me as an individual and a mother. You see, I have this life mission within my own self, I don’t know why it is that I have a “mission statement” so to speak within my own self for it’s something I always thought would be more suiting for a business structure. I guess life can sort of be taken as a business entity, right? We are living our lives to fulfill something, even if that fulfillment is within our own bodies.

One thing I always know for sure is that I have a desire to help others be happier.  By making others smile, I feel more happy inside. Do not get me wrong, I do not “need” to make others happy to be happy with myself, that is something completely different.  What this is may be like a calling, something within my own self that reaches out to my mind creating this mission to do good and to set the example of happiness to the best of my abilities so that not only my children can learn to be happy but others in the world as well.

If I am at a social event, such as my sisters wedding this past weekend or the BBQ at a friends this past weekend, I usually have a smile on my face. This smile is not fake, although it may seem that way to others.  One thing I have found out about myself is that I feed off of other people’s energies, that means if I am around friendly people who are kind then my smile is permanent and real because I am full of that happy energy. This happy energy usually leads me to talk really fast, ramble about everything and not want to leave for the happy energy is simply something I love being around.

There is a down side to feeling other people’s energy so well, I am also able to feel that negative energy. That person with negative within, sometimes evil, I wish I could not sense these things and sometimes I ignore the signs (in all honesty), but I can sense that negativity in my soul & it makes me shudder. A negative energy person near me, even in a highly happy energy situation, can make my smile disappear even if just for a moment.

In the past I have always felt that negative energy & tried to make those negative people change. Assist them in a new, positive direction but I found out the hard way that we can not change another person nor can do more than simply attempt to enlighten them with positive vibes. It’s up to that negative person to take action for their own self, just as I did years ago.  My mission is not to force change upon those who are not ready to be changed, my mission is to help change those who want to think happier, be more positive and truly see the good a positive energy source can do!

I will continue to blog, write books and live my life in a happy, positive light because then and only then will I be able to spread the message that a positive mind can take you long beyond what you thought was even possible!

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