Every year we spend as a family of five in our 1000 square foot house I find myself getting worried, anxious and claustrophobic. Although I am very thankful for my home and proud that I purchased it as a single, hard working mother of one about five years ago I still find myself wondering, “why in the world did we have two more children in a two bedroom home?”. Every once in a while the size of our home gets to me and makes me have an emotional melt down.
Our house was originally a two bedroom home, but as our middle child grew older and started having major aggression and hyperactive behaviors we realized our oldest had to get away from sharing a bedroom with her brother. There would be nights when AJ would throw sippy cups out of his crib just to hit his sister in the head because he was having one of his many outbursts of anger. Finally we took the time and money (we didn’t have to spend) on replacing the wall of our attached front porch and making it into an extra bedroom (which still isn’t exactly finished yet). This extra ‘bedroom’ really is only about 18′ by 24′ and isn’t what we would like to have for our child’s bedroom but we work with what we have as do most family’s.
Recently my husband and I decided to separate (but soon he moved back in) and as I think back I realize that maybe the overwhelmed feelings of our small home is what is causing us so many issues. My old opinion of a small home was that “when a family lives in a smaller home, they are able to be closer”, although this may be true for many family’s it is not true for ours. I personally feel if AJ didn’t have so many behavioral issues that no pediatrician nor specialist will help us resolve, that our family would be closer and happier in our small home.
It is so hard for my oldest to get away from her 3 year old brother and still be interactive with the family. It’s hard for us to get AJ out of the family area because his room is right off of our living room, so reality is we have to listen to his melt down, which eventually gives me a headache, a stomach ache and then makes Baby K freak out too. Baby K isn’t benefiting from our small home in anyway, he has to sleep in a crib in our bedroom. Many parents have their 16 month old sleeping in a crib or even in their bed still, but we need our space. Baby K is also having a hard time sleeping due to the small house situation, anytime AJ wakes up screaming and having a huge fit through out the night the whole house gets woken up including Baby K. Some days I can see Baby K’s eyes have discoloring on them that usually happens when someone is suffering from sleep deprivation and I want to cry and wonder when we will get a new home, a larger home, how can we make our home work for us, how can we afford to add on to it, what can we do to make sure our family doesn’t suffer so bad from sleep deprivation that we suffer emotionally and our family breaks up?
It seems even our bedroom has become that of no privacy and although we love our children and would love to have them come jump on our bed to wake us up in the morning and give us hugs and kisses, we long for a place to close the the door and relax at the end of the day.
Five days a week I am pulled in so many directions that I am constantly finding myself bitter, angry and resentful to my husband. It is not anyone’s fault that our home is so small, if anything it should be my fault as I am the one who purchased it. Reality is we are to find a way to seek the positive in our day to day lives … it is easy for me some days but other days not so easy. I have even thought about applying to the Home Make Over Show on ABC just to see if we can’t get some peace of mind from help, but alas I haven’t created my video proposal to them yet and I completed part of the paperwork with my husband only to back out because I would prefer to see someone nominate us feeling we are worthy than try to plead my case to the show.
Maybe it’s a pride thing, maybe it’s just me being stubborn, but I have worked so hard my whole life to get the few things I have in life and I have worked so hard to try to keep my family smiling and moving forward in a positive direction that it’s hard for me to ask someone else for assistance, and after watching so many shows and reading so many blogs about family’s who are struggling way worse than I am, I have to ask “Am I really in a situation where I absolutely NEED help for my house?”
After asking myself that question I realize YES I do need help for our family house! Reality is our basement windows are broken, letting cold air in making this time of year quite costly for heating. Our basement is very wet and there is even mildew or mold whatever it’s called growing in various places. When I first bought my home the inspector stated I should replace the sheet rock in the basement walk down area because there is mold there. Our home floors seem like they are not stable/sturdy, however everyone tells me they are fully supported but when I think back to when we removed the wall on our front porch to make it into a bedroom all I can think about is the carpenter ants we found. I worry about whether they are closer in our home walls and if one day we will find our home consumed by these carpenter ants. I am told there are no signs of them being anywhere else but reality is can you really tell where carpenter ants are? The bathroom sink leaks a bit and due to this we can’t use our cabinet underneath the bathroom sink. The windows are old and although functioning are certainly not up to par and we can often feel a cold air draft coming in so we cover them with plastic in the Winter time to help assist in energy efficiency. There are many things I could point out going on with our 1945 home, but I try to focus on the fact that at least it’s livable and it’s ours.
SO as I sit here and am thankful for the food in my fridge, a husband who has a job, my business income, my children’s health and hope for a treatment for AJ that doesn’t involve medication I find myself wondering why I am sharing this story with you … I think maybe it’s to show you I am human and although I do try my best to put a smile on my face and think those happy thoughts, every once in a while a positive person breaks down and every once in a while a Mom needs to keep her health up and worry about herself.
Make it a Happy Day!
New Blog Post: Worried, Anxious and Claustrophobic http://happilyblended.com/2009/12/small-house-blues/
Twitter: BLOGitse
(26 comments) says:
oh, boy what a mess. But as you said “it’s livable and it’s ours”.
Mold is not good. You should really think what to do with it…
And yes, you need to take care of youself too. If you’re tired/angry etc. it affects the whole family in a small house.
Take care!
.-= BLOGitse´s last blog ..time to have fun! It’s an IMAGE QUESTION of the day – what’s this??? =-.
It sounds like a really tough and frustrating situation you are living in. I used to live in an old home (built in early 1900′s) and it was very depressing when things weren’t working right and it was definitely cold and expensive to maintain.
Is there any way at all to turn your basement into another living area of some kind for a getaway space? I hope you find a solution soon, take care!
.-= Laurie´s last blog ..Christmas Equals Busy =-.
My hubby and I put an addition onto our house (with money we didn’t have) just months before our daughter arrived. It was a HEADACHE and then some, in more ways than one, but having that extra room– where either of us could go now and then to get away from the other– was a GOD SEND. I know what you mean– sometimes, you just need your own space. I hope you figure out what works for you!
~Elizabeth
http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog .."Sick" Of Long, Lonely Nights: Working Mommy Wednesdays =-.
Twitter: cltalbert
(80 comments) says:
I know exactly how you feel. I suffer from anxiety and we don’t have very much money and I have four children in an 800 square foot home. It stinks, but we can’t do anything about our situation right now. Just count your blessings and think about the less fortunate. A lot of families don’t have homes to go to this holiday season. No matter how anxious and claustrophobic I get I always think that it could be a lot worse. I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there!
.-= Cascia @ Healthy Moms´s last blog ..Twelve Days of Christmas Giveaway | Skin MD Shielding Lotion =-.
Twitter: BrittanyGreer5
(18 comments) says:
First off – big huge hugs to you. But while my house isn’t small and I have lived in small houses, I understand. We have lived in houses that one way or another were pretty stressful. (Mice, No Water Pressure, Poorly Built – amongst a million other things) Each of those houses I stressed over. I felt like I couldn’t get it clean, or my kids couldn’t take a real bath or whatever it was and it DOES become overwhelming. So vent away hun! I totally understand!!!!
.-= Brittany´s last blog ..A Child’s Serious Conversation =-.
Twitter: momstart
(170 comments) says:
That is such a stressful thing that you are going through. I can imagine that the Holidays are quite challenging as is the entire year.
The holidays depress me because I am so far from my extended family. It’s just me and my husband and kids. I am sending big hugs to you and your family. I be thinking of you
.-= Louise´s last blog ..Giving Back this Holiday Season using influence as a blogger and two giveaways by sharing yours. =-.
I found myself nodding through a lot of this – there are 4 of us (and 2 cats) in a very small (very small!) house, in which we are utilizing every inch and slowly (very slowly) fixing it up…But it can be awfully hard. Sigh. I know. I don’t tend to talk about the IRL stuff on my blogs but – yes. Most people I know IRL can’t relate to it, either.
Virtual hugs to you!
Lidian
(and thanks for following me on Twitter, that is how I got here)
.-= Lidian´s last blog ..A Surprising Wow =-.
@MonicaHeartsRQ This one touched me, the rest were all Wordless Wednesdays http://bit.ly/5yWqBw
Hope it all works out for you. Our house is a small ranch, but the only good news is we have 3 bedrooms.
BTW, we got probably about 8 of snow here (Nashua)
.-= Sue´s last blog ..WW #85 "Snowman & Joshua Tree" =-.
I hear you!! Our home is about 900 sq. feet. It officially has 2 br, but we used the playroom/ porch area as our bedroom when we first moved in. A couple of years later, we moved the kids into one room, after Alex calmed down a bit.
My son had a lot of hyper-ness going on too, and as he got older we realized he was different. Turned out he was gifted. He also has crazy sensitivity to artificial dyes in foods. As soon as we started pooling all of our resources, books, everything.. things started getting easier.
There are still times where I want to pull my hair out and run away, but then I realize that he’s not being occupied, or he’s insanely bored.. which is why he’s being mischievous, or teasing his sister, or bouncing across the house.
If you want more info on some things I did with Alex, feel free to email me. <3
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..Target Coupons- Save BIG! =-.
I fell ya hun! Our home is small too and move an more it gets frustrating, but sadly we are in AZ and even though NOW we can afford a bigger house we could never sell this one! I have been saving to get a room addition. Our home needs repairs too all you can do is take one day at a time and it will work out, In the mean time vent away no one cant have a smile everyday all the time!
.-= lisap´s last blog ..So you liked my Green Mountain Coffee Company review? Great now win some! =-.
You sound exactly like me. It seems like such a chore to get through the day. If you ever need to talk, email me!
.-= Kim´s last blog ..The Sleep Lady Helps Get a Good Night’s Sleep =-.
Twitter: TwiMommi
(6 comments) says:
When things start to get me down, whether about finances or renovations that came to a screeching halt a few years back, or my daughter’s speech delay, I remember that many people don’t have a home at all. Although my child has some difficulties she is a healthy happy little girl. Unlike some americans this evening, I will give her dinner and tuck her into bed. I have much to be grateful for.
.-= Robin G´s last blog ..How do You Give Back During the Holidays? =-.
Twitter: simplybeingmom
(221 comments) says:
I know how you feel! I think your feelings are completely normal and its great that you realize those feelings. Now that you realize you should be able to cope better.
You never know what the future holds. Things can chance overnight
Keep your head up and keep up the great work!
.-= Crystal @ Simply Being Mommy´s last blog ..Friday Frenzy {Freebies, Surveys, Coupons} =-.
An Older Blog Post To Check Out:: Worried, Anxious and Claustrophobic http://is.gd/bk9qx