Worried, Anxious and Claustrophobic

Every year we spend as a family of five in our 1000 square foot house I find myself getting worried, anxious and claustrophobic.  Although I am very thankful for my home and proud that I purchased it as a single, hard working mother of one about five years ago I still find myself wondering, “why in the world did we have two more children in a two bedroom home?”.  Every once in a while the size of our home gets to me and makes me have an emotional melt down.

Our house was originally a two bedroom home, but as our middle child grew older and started having major aggression and hyperactive behaviors we realized our oldest  had to get away from sharing a bedroom with her brother. There would be nights when AJ would throw sippy cups out of his crib just to hit his sister in the head because he was having one of his many outbursts of anger. Finally we took the time and money (we didn’t have to spend) on replacing the wall of our attached front porch and making it into an extra bedroom (which still isn’t exactly finished yet). This extra ‘bedroom’ really is only about 18′ by 24′ and isn’t what we would like to have for our child’s bedroom but we work with what we have as do most family’s.

Recently my husband and I decided to separate (but soon he moved back in) and as I think back I realize that maybe the overwhelmed feelings of our small home is what is causing us so many issues.  My old opinion of a small home was that “when a family lives in a smaller home, they are able to be closer”, although this may be true for many family’s it is not true for ours. I personally feel if AJ didn’t have so many behavioral issues that no pediatrician nor specialist will help us resolve, that our family would be closer and happier in our small home.

It is so hard for my oldest to get away from her 3 year old brother and still be interactive with the family. It’s hard for us to get AJ out of the family area because his room is right off of our living room, so reality is we have to listen to his melt down, which eventually gives me a headache, a stomach ache and then makes Baby K freak out too. Baby K isn’t benefiting from our small home in anyway, he has to sleep in a crib in our bedroom.  Many parents have their 16 month old sleeping in a crib or even in their bed still, but we need our space. Baby K is also having a hard time sleeping due to the small house situation, anytime AJ wakes up screaming and having a huge fit through out the night the whole house gets woken up including Baby K.  Some days I can see Baby K’s eyes have discoloring on them that usually happens when someone is suffering from sleep deprivation and I want to cry and wonder when we will get a new home, a larger home, how can we make our home work for us, how can we afford to add on to it, what can we do to make sure our family doesn’t suffer so bad from sleep deprivation that we suffer emotionally and our family breaks up?

It seems even our bedroom has become that of no privacy and although we love our children and would love to have them come jump on our bed to wake us up in the morning and give us hugs and kisses, we long for a place to close the the door and relax at the end of the day.

Five days a week I am pulled in so many directions that I am constantly finding myself bitter, angry and resentful to my husband. It is not anyone’s fault that our home is so small, if anything it should be my fault as I am the one who purchased it. Reality is we are to find a way to seek the positive in our day to day lives … it is easy for me some days but other days not so easy. I have even thought about applying to the Home Make Over Show on ABC just to see if we can’t get some peace of mind from help, but alas I haven’t created my video proposal to them yet and I completed part of the paperwork with my husband only to back out because I would prefer to see someone nominate us feeling we are worthy than try to plead my case to the show.

Maybe it’s a pride thing, maybe it’s just me being stubborn, but I have worked so hard my whole life to get the few things I have in life and I have worked so hard to try to keep my family smiling and moving forward in a positive direction that it’s hard for me to ask someone else for assistance, and after watching so many shows and reading so many blogs about family’s who are struggling way worse than I am, I have to ask “Am I really in a situation where I absolutely NEED help for my house?”

After asking myself that question I realize YES I do need help for our family house! Reality is our basement windows are broken, letting cold air in making this time of year quite costly for heating. Our basement is very wet and there is even mildew or mold whatever it’s called growing in various places. When I first bought my home the inspector stated I should replace the sheet rock in the basement walk down area because there is mold there. Our home floors seem like they are not stable/sturdy, however everyone tells me they are fully supported but when I think back to when we removed the wall on our front porch to make it into a bedroom all I can think about is the carpenter ants we found. I worry about whether they are closer in our home walls and if one day we will find our home consumed by these carpenter ants. I am told there are no signs of them being anywhere else but reality is can you really tell where carpenter ants are? The bathroom sink leaks a bit and due to this we can’t use our cabinet underneath the bathroom sink. The windows are old and although functioning are certainly not up to par and we can often feel a cold air draft coming in so we cover them with plastic in the Winter time to help assist in energy efficiency. There are many things I could point out going on with our 1945 home, but I try to focus on the fact that at least it’s livable and it’s ours.

SO as I sit here and am thankful for the food in my fridge, a husband who has a job, my business income, my children’s health and hope for a treatment for AJ that doesn’t involve medication I find myself wondering why I am sharing this story with you … I think maybe it’s to show you I am human and although I do try my best to put a smile on my face and think those happy thoughts, every once in a while a positive person breaks down and every once in a while a Mom needs to keep her health up and worry about herself.

Make it a Happy Day!