The pain of walking into a store alone, it was so real. To this day I can feel the depths of the dagger that twisted into my stomach with the mere thought of walking into a public location alone. I recall my mother not fully understanding how I could not just walk into the store or the bank, memory can’t bring back which it was. To my mom I am sure it seemed like a mere simple task, you get out of the car and walk into the place, but inside I was dying.
Living with Anxiety
The stigma of anxiety haunts me on a regular basis; living with anxiety is no joke. While I wasn’t diagnosed until a year or so after my first child’s birth, I still recall teen years full of anxious feelings. Had I know back then would things have been different, who knows. All I do know is that I struggle with anxiety; it’s simply part of my reality. Anxiety harms others and can deter you from doing things you so want to experience. My proper diagnosis is Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or so that is what the doctor told me all those years ago.
Triggers for Anxiety
The majority of anxiety to current date seems to be triggered by new circumstances or experiences. A crowded restaurant may get my heart pumping and my body shaking. I just don’t do well with the initial arrival at a crowded place. Another memory was in 2011 when I attended my first blogging conference. The anxiety was so painful that I didn’t want to come out of my hotel room until Mommadjane arrived. I was simply too scared to walk downstairs to a room full of bloggers I had never met before. I have the memory of Kelby from Type-A the person who runs this conference telling me to get my butt downstairs. Finally I ventured down, on my own and fully enjoyed myself, but it was not an easy step.
To this day I will continue to fight those anxious moments and try to work through them. I want to be a good example to my own daughter who suffers much like I did as a teen from these anxious feelings. She too can be caught having a panic attack when we arrive at a crowded destination and much like I was as a teenager, she hasn’t learned how to rise beyond it. Anxiety can damage a person’s ability to live life fully and if you know me, that’s what I desire to do most.
Social Queen with Anxiety?
It’s funny because I can be quite the little social queen when placed in the right environment, only those closest to me have to deal with the inner demons of this monster that I was diagnosed with many moons ago. Many can’t see how such a social gal could suffer so deeply, but I do and continue to suffer from anxiety. For me, it’s about being stronger than the condition. Maybe my anxiety isn’t as deep as other people who suffer from it or maybe I am just a fighter of a person, whatever it is, I continue to research, work with and rise above my anxiety with every panic attack that hits.
I am someone who will always refuse to let anxiety consume me 100% and I hope I can teach my daughter to do the same as she grows older.
This little story was created in response to ProBlogger’s weekly challenge. To read other blog posts in this challenge, please search #blogginggroove to find others partaking in this weekly content creation challenge.