I am forever telling others that we all have our flaws and imperfections, no one human being is perfect and for those who think life is perfect or seek to have such in their life? They are missing out on living life; life is messy, life is a challenge and life is beautiful.
As I gave birth to my baby girl, that first born child, I knew in my heart what I wanted to be as an example to her, I knew that I had looked to my parents as my first example of adulthood and while they too had their own flaws bringing me into this world when they were teenagers their own self, I learned a lot from them. I still learn from my parents, watching them, talking to them and listening to their side of things. I may not always agree with my parents, but what they both do not realize is that just by living their own lives, even at 33 years old, I still look to them for examples on what I wish to be or not be in life.
Raising two boys has brought on new challenges and a new mindset, for my sons it is all about that physical connection or bonding; meaning that with my sons they bond with Mama over a wrestling match or boxing on the Wii. Boys seems to need a more hands on approach to connection whereas my daughter seems to prefer a more emotional, verbal connection. It is difficult to balance the two, but being self aware has helped me to wake up each day to try harder in being that person my children will hopefully come to in times of happiness, sadness and in times of needing open minded, non judgmental advice.
As I am a single Mom, some days I feel drained, as if I am not doing enough. I have to say no to things I didn’t have to in the past, or have to work harder to make ends meet until I find a way to go full time working outside of the home, and honestly? With three kids, as a single Mom, I am sure I will forever be working hard to make ends meet, but that is part of the example I wish to instill in my children; that we work hard for what we want or desire in life!
I enjoy analyzing myself; where I have grown and where I still need to grow. The older I get, the more I want to experience what I have yet to experience. I didn’t grow up traveling and I want badly for my children to experience other cultures and traveling the United States with me, some day. I wish to build myself up to be an independent person again, one who doesn’t feel the desire to need a man, and so far I am succeeding. Recently I put myself up on a couple of dating sites, to be left unnamed, because while I am not seeking to settle down and live with a man, I felt beyond work? Where can I meet people. I am forever with children and doing the Mama thing, so putting myself on a dating site keeps me out there and active because you can’t meet dates at your place of employment … seriously, that is all sorts of wrong, mixing business with pleasure is not my style. At work, I am the admin and at home I am Mama, a dating site is where I can be Brandy Ellen.
The awesome thing about being on a dating site now? I don’t feel the desire to ‘have’ to go out on any dates, or to be busy on kid free weekends seeing a man. I already have a large number of great friends and with that comes people to go do things with. Most recently I enjoyed dinner at the Common Man Restaurant, yummy food I may add, and a trip to the movie theater to watch The Gift with an old friend who reconnected with me. I have other friends; ones who are there when I want to talk, ones who are there when I am craving pizza and ones who just listen to me while I go through what I think is perimenopause. Getting older makes me realize that life is far too short to settle down with a partner who doesn’t work for you.
Each relationship I have had in my past has allowed me to piece together what works and doesn’t work for me, I only hope my ex’s brought away that same feeling. It is important to take what some may call “failed relationships” and turn them into “learning experiences”, because I have zero hard feelings towards any of my ex’s, I thank them for having been in my life because they taught me things about myself that I would like to work on and hopefully being with me taught them the same!
Right now, I work hard to focus on building my career, both inside and outside of the home, as well as to build who I am so that if I ever do find that “man to be with”, it will be from a place of complete connection, you know someone who is match to you. Someone who I didn’t ignore the red flags, because I already have chatted with a few people on these dating sites only to stop chatting because there were things that came up, that i know would be wasting their time and mine if we proceeded to chat more. I refuse to waste my time or theirs and I am currently in a position where I don’t need another adult; I look forward to making friends, living life and raising my children. Cheers to whatever life hands me in the upcoming years, and cheers to you all, for you should be ensuring that each day you take time to work on yourself a bit more, we all have things to work on, and you deserve nothing but complete happiness in a world where it may be difficult to find that silver lining.