Many ask how my daughter and I can still be so close after 12 years and during this difficult age of middle school girls drama, hormone changes and so forth. My answer is simply this, “because I talk to my kids as if they matter, because they do, and I treat them as I would any other human being on this Earth.” Due to the respect and trust I have worked hard to build with my trio, it seems our bond is closer than ever, even during these difficult hormone changing years with my first born. Sure, some days I feel like “who is this moody little tween that looks like my daughter”, but that doesn’t change the fact that she is still the same young lady I raised with the proper background to get through this time.
When my children make mistakes, we talk through it, if appropriate they get a consequence that fits the crime and we move on from it. I don’t yell and scream and spank or do time outs without expressing the why behind the consequence. While I don’t condone explaining yourself to your children, this is much deeper than that, I am not explaining my actions to my children when enforcing a consequence, I am explaining why they get a consequence for their actions and work with them to teach how they can learn from this situation to try harder next time. I believe that every human being can learn from their mistakes whether they are 2 years old or 40 years old, we all should be better about stepping back when handling our children and working with them instead of against them.
The bond I have with my first born is strong simply because, much like the way I work with her younger brothers, I treat them with the utmost respect and I tell the truth. When my daughter is having a moody moment, I don’t tell her to “control her hormones” or yell and scream at her, this doesn’t mean that I don’t have that frustrated feeling, it means I have learned through my own anxiety and learning experiences what works best for kids at all age levels. To me, it is common sense that if you handle every mistake your child makes with yelling, screaming and degrading them that they become bitter towards you which leads to teen rebellion. Teens rebel because they feel smothered, not understood or angry at their parents for just being so unreasonable, another reason is simply because those controversial subjects of sex, drugs and alcohol were so taboo in your home that it excites them to go against you and learn about those taboo subjects on their own.
The best way to get through to your kids is;
- Start young – the earlier you start the better bond you will have for longer.
- Guide Them To Learn From Mistakes – take their mistakes made as a learning lesson for them, teach them as if the teacher in the classroom is you, but your mission is teaching a life lesson.
- Give a Consequence That Fits the Crime – we are imperfect humans who can lash out in frustration and provide a consequence that doesn’t make any sense for the crime your child committed, be certain to get a hold of your emotions and handle the situation properly.
- Be The Listener, Be Empathic & Give Age Appropriate Relatable Examples – nothing builds a bond with your kid stronger than showing them that you also have made similar mistakes or felt similarly, giving an example of something you did wrong or struggled through at their age is the perfect way to come down to their level and let them see that “you understand totally”.
Above all, remember that you are the parent, set proper boundaries and expectations for your children. Stay consistent and keep on them, kids will make the same mistakes over and over, it may take a few times before they totally grasp onto the concept. Have patience but firmness when handling your children, be certain not to enable any behaviors you deem unacceptable, nip them in the butt as soon as they happen and eventually you will gain that respect and bond you wish to have long-term with your children.
What worked best for you as a teen to bond with your parents? How about with you and your own children?
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Sadly, I didn’t bond with my dad – more so my mom. They are wonderful people though. I also want my son to look me in the eye when I’m talking to him.
Looking in the eyes is a big deal, my middle child has autism so he wasn’t always good at that. It was amazing that he actually is VERY good at looking in eyes now at age 8, because we have worked on it with him. I honestly wasn’t able to look anyone in the eyes until long into my adult years, I am not sure what my problem was, it was just difficult for me back from younger years into early adult years. My father once told me it was sad that I was unable to look anyone in the eyes, even when speaking the truth. I am glad you are working on that with your son. I do think we end up with more of a bond with one parent over the other, because we are all individuals and bond with certain personality types over others, that doesn’t mean we love either parent more or less, just means we are human 😉
I think finding a balance between strict parent and friend is important. Kids need to have respect for you and rules but they shouldn’t be afraid to speak to you.
I always find that relating to the kids helps them to understand and respect you. Like you said, giving them examples that they can relate too helps them to understand more as well.
I feel kids need to hear that you understand them. While they think they are alone in certain situations hearing stories of similar obstacles can help with communicating