Raising my son who has high functioning autism brings on a lot of jaw dropping, “did he just say that”, type of experiences. Sometimes, Aj can come off hurtful but really he isn’t meaning to be that way. At times Aj’s comments can be hilarious, but do not giggle at him, because then he will either act out at you angry due to being hurt, or he will be telling you with tears in his eyes “that isn’t funny”. It’s hard to parent a child who sees the world more simple than the rest of us do, he is part of an amazing group of both children and adults who have various struggles with how the real world works. Yet, it’s so simple really.
My fiance’s daughter, age 13, moved in with us over the Summer. Her Mom and brother moved about an hour away and Chey decided moving here was the better option for her. Me being who I am and Ki being who she is, has basically taken Chey in as family. Like, there is no difference between her and my birth children for me and my daughter calls her sister. Not step sister. Not no one. Sister. That is what Chey is to my daughter. Sure they weren’t raised together, sure they don’t even share either birth parent, but they are sisters. Period. That’s all. It’s simple for us like that.
With Aj … it’s not that simple. You see, he is often telling Chey and Ki that Chey is not part of our family. She is Lee’s daughter and Lee is not his father so therefore Chey is NOT their sister. I *think* we finally have him saying she is his step sister, but for the longest time he was saying how Chey and Lee are not our family. Period. It’s that simple for him. Aj feels his family is his Dad, his brother, his sister and me. That’s family to him. He also doesn’t consider extending family members to be “family”, he says they are “auntie” and “grampa” or whatever, but not family. It took me a bit to grasp where Aj was coming from, I get it. Totally.
In his eyes, family is made of the people who live in his household that actually have been birthed to be his family; like his birth sister, his birth brother, his mother and his father. Anyone outside of that circle, is not “family” but rather important people in his life that he cares for, but they are not family by his definition.
All too often, I have to stop a sibling riot by telling Ki to just Let it Go. Let it go. Seriously. I even start singing that song from Disney Frozen. No joke. Then I get an eye roll or a “mother you aren’t funny” or “I am so sick of that song” in reply. Either way, my point is that Aj sees the world differently, and that is okay. If you really sit down and think about those people in your life; I bet you can notice how each of you are different. We are raised to have a difference in opinions based on how our brain works, what our experiences have led us to believe and who we are as an individual. That isn’t anything to do with autism, that has to do with being an individual human being.
I think if more parents would just step back and get to learn each of their children, disabled or not, and learn how they work, what is it that makes your child unique, what makes them happy and let go of what they wish their child to be – we would have a hell of a lot more happy children. I spent a lot of my life trying to live up to unrealistic expectations, and that drove me crazy, I went down a pretty bad path for a lot of many years. My job, as a Mom and a human being, is to never set a broad expectation level for all of my children to meet. My children know that I am proud of each one of them for their own individual strengths, feelings and opinions. I love all four of my children for who they are and who they are trying to be; after all I would rather see people trying than not trying. That’s how simple I am. Be honest. Be trustworthy. And Aj has those two things just because that is how his brain is wired, he cannot lie, it’s not something he does. While Aj may express something happening how he sees it and it’s not exactly “how it happened”, you cannot call him a liar for that, he is simply telling you how he views the truth to be. It’s how autism works. And that is perfectly okay with me!
