Divorce or separation hits everyone differently. This goes with death and birth. Each human being, whether grown adult or child, responds to life’s challenges quite differently. Being unique is what sets us apart from each other, yet also makes us work together very well. The story I wish to share today is from my memory banks of many moons ago.
A young girl, around age 12, was found with two parents being divorced. While this young girl could totally see that her parents were better off apart due to a multitude of reasons, she still missed her Dad terribly. This little girl was used to having her Dad be the “fun parent” and here she was with her Mother who wasn’t known as the fun parent. You see, when you are 12, the fun parent is the one who gets all the credit and love, it’s just how life for a child usually goes.
But back to my story…
The young girl felt something missing, this split family life wasn’t appealing to her but the idea of her parents being together again wasn’t any better sounding. Every other weekend with Dad and the remainder of the time was spent with her Mom or other adult family members along with her younger sister. As time went on this young girl was also made to have her younger sister go to sleep overs with her and always be by her side, essentially this young girl had to grow up faster than she could ever be ready for at age 12.
The sadness, the frustration, the hiding in a book so that she didn’t have to face reality started to happen. Eventually this young girl started wearing provocative clothing and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Sure, the young girl got yelled at, spanked, grounded, etc but she would just run away. No one could stop her, at least that was her mindset. Except that one time when her Grandmother showed up on her boyfriends doorstep, she was about the age of 14 maybe 15 and she had run away to “live with her boyfriend”. This young girls’ grandmother was not having that and came to rescue this child from her boyfriends parent’s home. Eventually the girl and her mother were forced to speak to each other and the Grandmother tried to get the young girl to fully see her actions as being disrespectful and not okay at her age. Sadly, this young girl didn’t really see the meaning being all of it, she, after all, knew it all. As most children think they do.
This young girl spent most of her young teenage years drinking alcohol, eventually smoking cigarettes and getting into groups of the wrong crowd. This young girl didn’t feel love for herself and she needed to feel love. The clothing she wore and the attention she sought were that of a negative nature, many men {far older than her} did take advantage of her and this led down a bad path. Saying no didn’t matter, because she wanted to feel that love. The wrong love, that us as adults knows is wrong, but children think is true love. In reality it was sexual abuse, grown men taking advantage of a broken young girl who was around age 13 – 14 at this point in time. Reaching out to men for physical loving was what brought her down a path that taught her to manipulate, use men and get what you need from them. There was a detachment within this young girl so deep that no one would be able to get through to her for many years.
Sadly, this young girl learned that love is what other people give you; be it sex, money, food, a place to live, whatever, this young girl learned that she could only feel love if she had something she wanted or needed. This young girl was damaged and hurting inside deeper than anyone realized. This young girl, aside from being emotionally damaged, did great in school. Getting honor roll and/or high honors was the norm for this girl, even during her all night out binge drinking nights, she would still get up, go to school and get good grades.
Finally this young girl became a Mom. Looking into the eyes of this sweet baby girl, made this Mom realize just who she needed to be and wanted to be for the chubby little baby she held in her arms. From that day forward this, no longer little girl, grew up. There were some bumps, it took some therapy and putting herself around positive, loving people. It took time for this Mom to forgive the mistakes others had made, to accept that other people cannot be changed unless they want to change themselves. It took a lot of writing and a lot of prayer, but this young girl grew up to be a positive influence on her children and never looked back again.
While this is a happy ending to what could have ended in teen pregnancy or far worse, STD’s, drug abuse, and more; this young girl was a fighter from day one, it just took becoming a mother as an adult to get her to realize just how much potential she had within her own self. This young girl handled the divorce of her parents differently than others may have, but in all honesty, there is a lot of young girls out there who start down this path and it doesn’t end as happily. The best thing any divorced parents can do is to be involved, to step up to parent harder, monitor your children, keep their safety and best interests at heart. Times during separation and divorce make children more vulnerable to bad people, girls do not have to walk down this path of confusion, just be there for them. Hug them. Love them. Build up their self confidence. And don’t look back…
I’m glad that there was a happy ending for your story. It’s a good thing that there wasn’t a more negative ending to your story. We have very similar backgrounds, and we have both been greatly blessed with being granted the chance to have happy endings from our negative upbringing.
My parents never divorced but I can only imagine how difficult that can be on a young child. Your story is touching and I’m glad you came out of it well.
Divorce is always hardest on the kids I think, even if they know it’s for the best. My mom wasn’t the fun parent but she was the parent that raised us 24/7 which I now appreciate. My dad has always been a part of my life, and he is a really nice guy, just not very parental. I’m glad you are on a healthier path now 🙂
We have a family in our family where the kids were entirely devastated by divorce. The mom and grandma made it clear if the kids ‘took dad’s side’ they were out of the family. The well adjusted kids plummeted in a downward spiral of bad behavior, yet remain close to their mother, still shunning their dad (who still tries to reach out). It’s sad to watch, hard to take. And the woman is our family, so it makes it even harder to watch because we love the kids.
Gosh, sounds familiar. My parents divorced when I was 8. I thought I was okay until I was 12, and my mom left us at our dad’s. My life spiraled out of control. I didn’t have anyone that cared, or loved it seemed. Mom was an alcoholic, dad stuck up for my step-mom and I was left to take care of my little sister that has a disability. I eventually started hanging out with the wrong crowd, smoking, and smoking pot. At 17, I left. Packed my bag and moved to FL with my now husband. Wanting to seek treatment but never did. Once Gav was born and almost passed away at birth, I lost it. Depression hit me hard. I finally got better but not before a divorce of my own. Luckily, my husband took me back and our life has been fantastic. I agree though, parents that divorce need to think about the children, it isn’t their fault. Work together int he best interest of the children.
My parents divorced when I was 8 but I think I am maybe the only one in the world who was happy about it. Thankfully, I was able to stay with my dad.