Do You Ever Wonder

If you made the right choice in a specific situation, or if things had been different where you would be today? I do wonder just not all the time, because reality is I would not be the person I am today without the person in my past. I must admit I have spent many years being hurt, heart broken, and found myself in many bad relationships. I always felt the bad relationships or even the good ones I couldn’t keep were due to karma.

Sounds silly to some, maybe, but I do believe in karma, and what goes around certainly has come around for me many times in my life.  When I was younger, even in my young adult years I treated a lot of boyfriends horribly, I was so mean and evil to them. I even was deemed Flippa (girl who flips out, more on that another day). I just was so rotten and mean, but reality is I was a very lost, sad, angry little girl and as I sit here watching my daughter grow up I only want her to be happy, healthy and know that she can communicate anything to me no matter what.

I think that is and was my problem, I never really had that person I felt I could trust enough to open up to, I wasn’t ever able to express my feelings of sorrow over a break up, anger over mean words said to me, the questioning of peer pressure, never once was I able to truly open up. Let me take that back a bit, I was able to confide in one my parents, but that simply kept me from doing any hard core drugs in my life, which is a good thing. Reality is you can’t tell your father everything and actually have him be able to give a good answer, especially if it pertains to a female situation. I mean really, I love my Dad and all and I give him credit for trying even to this day, but sometimes I think he wishes I had more female friends, role models, whatever so he didn’t have to hear about that time of the month and the emotional roller coaster of emotions us females sometimes have.

I have been sitting up late after the kids go to bed to try to get some work done and write blog posts as well as mingle on Facebook and Twitter. This time alone has been a breather for me, because I am still teetering on which way is right for me and my family. I personally feel I have been hurt too much to move forward in my marriage, but hey that’s why we are going to get into counseling sooner than later hopefully, and I find myself wondering what it is I truly want in life, what it is I truly love about myself.

You see a long time ago I became so angry, lost and bitter because I didn’t love myself the way one should before ever entering into a relationship and truth be told I did love myself for a long time but lost that love for myself shortly before meeting my now husband and I latched right onto him because he is a great guy, he is caring, laid back and he gave me support like no other. My husband is a great friend to have, but reality is when you take into account what I personally feel a relationship is about, communication, trust, the ability to share common interest and ability to support their interests … is not there and it hasn’t ever really been there.

I often wonder how I can show past friends that I am truly a changed person, that I may be having emotional issues right now but I am nicer, happier and more thoughtful than I used to be. I swear growing up I had little morals and now I have high moral standards. Something about becoming a parent makes a person want a change and makes a person move forward towards this change. I know it took me years to get where I am today and I wish so much to share who I am today with those friendships lost in the past.

Make it a Happy Day!