My Honest Truth About Divorce – Get Over Yourself

Divorce is something I’ve always called “The Big D”, it reminds me of that country song “going to the big D and don’t mean Dallas …” I went into marriage knowing darn well that I wouldn’t back out of marriage with divorce on a whim, it wasn’t something either of us “believed in”, unless absolutely necessary. Still, after two sons and about 3 years of marriage, we were divorced. I often wonder if we made the right decision, if that was indeed what was best for us and our family.

It was the best decision at the time, based on circumstances and our sons are happier now than they ever could have been with us under the same roof.

As I co-parent with my ex husband in such a perfectly normal way, it still creeps into my mind once in awhile that I wish we could have made this work better as a couple. We couldn’t have back then though, and together we are two different people. It’s easier for us to co-parent so positively and be friends because we ended our marriage before we got to the bitter hatred point and because as co-parents we focus on our sons without anything else mattering.

As a divorced couple, all that matters is our children. That’s it. It’s easy really.

I am here to talk about the honest truths about divorce, in hopes that I can get more people to think harder before jumping to that decision, you see, I learned a lot from my divorce and some lessons learned were extremely valuable to me as an individual. I thought I would share my honesty about divorce today.

Thoughts/Circumstances that Come into Play After Divorce:

  • Hindsight is always 20/20 – If you are currently divorced and raising your child(ren) amicably, get along with your ex and can even be friends it’s normal to have some questions about whether divorce was the right answer. Remember, we always see things differently looking back, than in the moment. Circumstances that led to divorce were real, don’t ever think they were not, apparently certain things were important at that moment in your life and you need to accept that, not dwell on the “what ifs”.
  • Confident in Divorce - No matter how confident you were in getting divorced, it’s usually not easy for anyone, especially if you can’t just divorce and move on, never speaking to that person again due to raising children together.  Remind yourself, when those whimsical thoughts come into your mind, that you divorced this person for a reason, even if the reason wasn’t extreme, it was a valid reason during that time period.
  • Friendship After Divorce – I have met far too many people who are co-parenting and despise their ex. I say Let it Go. I don’t care if they cheated on you, I don’t care what in the heck they did to you to hurt you deeply, get yourself help through therapy and move on. This is to better yourself as a person and to ensure you don’t allow negative feelings towards your ex affect your parenting responsibilities.  I will be honest, many ex’s are a much better person after you get divorced, because they too learned something from this life changing experience!

What you should do before filing for divorce:

  • Has Communication Broken Down – Raising kids can take a lot out of you, as an individual, which means communication can be broken during the child bearing days. Even if your partner isn’t taking the initiative to communicate properly with you, do your best to try your hardest to be a better listener for your partner, lead them by being a compassionate example of great communication.
  • Therapy - I am an avid supportive of counseling services, these are great people who specialize in getting you two back on track. They don’t work miracles, but you must be certain to try couples therapy before throwing away a marriage, believe me, it may be a lot of you causing some issues and you just need a professional to open your eyes to it.
  • How Will This Benefit the Children – Many people will say it’s best to stay married for the children, sure they do play a huge toll in whether divorce is the right answer or not. Remember once you are divorced, you have to give up those wake ups, goodnight kisses and so much of the family unit time together. Make sure that you are fully aware of how the family dynamic will change after divorce and that this will be beneficial to the kids long term.
  • Have You Stopped Paying Attention to Each Other – The days of listening to your spouse in awe over their excitement and joy in life can dry up, you may be sick and tired of hearing their voice. You may be tired and exhausted from working hard to support the family. Whatever reasons, drop the excuses, your partner should always be treated like gold. Even if it’s something simple like doing a kind gesture for them, saying a kind word, snuggling up to give them a kiss every night, even if they have already fallen asleep. If things have gotten real bad, they may not take to this right away, but keep trying!

My Last Tidbit of Opinion About Divorce

If there is any part of you, whether large or small, debating if divorce is really the right answer, listen to yourself. Take the time you need to fully absorb all that divorce will entail; the changes the kids will have happen, the changes for you as a person, the changes for your spouse, etc etc. Think long and hard, make sure all of these challenging changes that come about after divorce are worth going through without your spouse. Be certain that you are not making the decision to divorce for your own selfish reasons, this happens without us even realizing it.

Also, remember, even if you did divorce this person that it’s possible to turn back the decision and re-marry them. Just get over your stubborn self and accept that you made a mistake, I have seen many couples who got divorced early on in the marriage, then find out later on that they were ready to be together, forever. They re-married and have been together for many years since! Nothing is final in life, except death and even that is questionable.

How to Make a Valid Decision and Follow Through

Many are faced with decisions to make every day, whether it be what to purchase for groceries, what items your children need or much bigger decisions such as divorce, we all have decisions to make on a daily basis. I decided that I would make an easy to follow list of how you can make a valid decision and follow through.

Because you know, I am like so good at that myself. {if you are sensing sarcasm, you are correct}

While I may not be great at following my own advice, and really, who is? I am very great at lending advice that if followed through with makes perfect sense and actually works out as a benefit to your life as you know it! Come along with me, amuse me if you will.

Read on …

How to Make Valid Decisions and Follow Through

Yes. No Maybe. We live in a world full of non-committal responses and actions. We fear to say YES and NO more and tend to lean closer to MAYBE. This is not okay. Maybe doesn’t get you anywhere. Except, well, honestly I firmly believe maybe will get you nowhere fast.

Okay, are you ready for my advice to start? I hope so. I really do. I need to feel as if I am helping someone because Spring is here and it’s time to turn over a new leaf!

  • Acknowledge that there is a Decision to be Made – Come face to face in the mirror with your own self and make a firm realization that things just have to change. A decision has to be formed, sooner rather than later.
  • Understand What Decision has to be Made – Take the scenario that you are faced with, a piece of paper, a pen and write down a pros and cons list of this decision you are faced with. Do not do this during times of high emotion or hormone fluctuations.
  • Share Pros and Cons with a Close Friend – Take your list of pros and cons with the decision written above it and ask a close friend if they feel your pros and cons list are truly valid enough to argue a point to make the decision you must make. Logic, emotions and a third unbiased person’s opinion matter in the decision making process.
  • Set a Date – Make yourself commit to a date that you have to address this decision by and do not back peddle. Stick with this decision, even if it’s the hardest decision you have ever made in your life. Setting a date allows you to take time to continue to think it out, rationalize with yourself and hold yourself accountable to take action.
  • Speak Truth and With a Matter of Fact Tone – This is a great tip for those deciding to divorce or end a friendship, we can notice if a person is using a confident “they have made their final decision tone” or not. Do not allow the other person to feel as if there is hope, room for them to change your mind or anything like that. Keep a matter of fact, this is how it is type of tone when speaking.
  • Be Sure to Address Valid Reasons for Decision – When making the decision be sure that you are dealing with it in regards to logistical reasons and emotions. Sometimes, depending upon the decision to be made you may have to weigh heavier on the emotional side than logistical side, but I am sure you can determine which type of decision this falls under.
  • Breath and Follow Through to the End- This is the last step, be sure to breath and move forward from here. Do not fear how the other person affected by your decision is going to respond because in all reality you are the one person who matters most and that goes to saying without being selfish. You are not selfish for putting your own needs/sanity/emotions/well being ahead of anyone else. Do not stop to look back, we only move forward in life!

These tips are pretty much great for any scenario but with some situations it may require a long process to completely finish and follow through with. The whole point to this post really is to …

Allow yourself to be important. Your needs and emotions are valid. Life is about living it to the fullest in your  happiest of ways, do not allow anyone else to make you question your own well being. It isn’t fun to hurt others, but sometimes in life we have to in order to find our true self and love our true self.

“Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net”.

My One Tidbit of Advice For Anyone and Any Situation

I, like most of you, have been through a lot of experiences both great and some bad. I, like most of you, have learned from these mistakes and do my best to spread my advice on what to do as a means to assist others in seeing a different side of their scenario. Some people love the advice, while others think I am meddling in their world. You see, I am great at lending just the right advice to others but not always one to take my own advice. I think that’s called being human.

How to Lead a Happy Life

I have a lot going on in my world right now. In December I accepted a marriage proposal and have yet to really think much about the actual wedding planning. There are a lot of other things that weigh more heavily on my mind and heart than a wedding. Children for example. There is a lot going on behind the scenes.

I wish I could share every last detail, because I am sure someone out there is dealing with similar issues, but alas I cannot share details. All I can say is that co-parenting should be easier than most people make it out to be. That frustrates me beyond belief at how so many fail at co-parenting their children, in return the children pay the ultimate price and anyone else who is part of those children’s lives. Sigh.

I think my simple most non-complicated piece of advice I can lend you all, no matter what you are dealing with, is this;

Try not to be quick in reacting with emotional responses. Take time to think, with an open mind, where other people may be coming from with what they are saying or doing in life. Take time to realize that, while you think you are doing it all right, the other person/people may think you are doing it all wrong. If you can keep a positive mindset, speak with heart felt opinions, and keep an open mind about the other side of the story, then I think you can survive nearly any unpredicted scenario that plays out in your life.

How Much I Love My Children

I Love my Children so Much That .. A Poem of a Mothers Love

I love my children so much that;

I allow them the distance to make mistakes.

I love my children so much that;

I teach them to accept not everyone will like them.

I love my children so much that;

I allow them an open forum to speak their opinions freely & openly.

I love my children so much that;

I grew to be the example I want them to live by.

I love my children so much that;

I encourage them to try  new things by overcoming any anxious feelings.

I love my children so much that;

I allow them to be who they are without judgement or attempting to mold them into who I am.

I love my children so much that;

I show appreciation for their good grades and other accomplishments with a big smile, happy dance and a hug.

I love my children so much that;

I’ve taught them to enjoy the simple things in life, rather than be needy of materialistic items.

I love my children so much that;

I give tough love when needed, even if it kills me to do so.

I love my children so much that;

I teach them we are a family unit and each will have their own responsibilities to ensure the household runs smoothly.

I love my children so much that;

I raise them in an old school mentality that doesn’t easily come as accepted in society as we know it today.

I love my children so much that;

I allow their thoughts, feelings and opinions to matter, all the while letting them know I am the adult who makes the final decisions.

I love my children so much that;

I show them that their Mama loves them no matter what, forever and always unconditionally.

My Children love me so much that;

They shower me in hugs, kisses and include me in their pretend play time because they  know I love them so much.

 

Planning a Wedding with This Guy

I am planning a wedding for the year 2015. We originally were thinking Spring/Summer of this year but not so sure we will make that deadline and figure we could possibly wait til 2015, what’s the hurry right? We have been together a year as of late December and by the time 2015 rolls around we will be nearing three years together, that would honestly be the longest engagement I have ever had. We shall see if we stick with 2015 or not, depends on how all of this wedding planning goes….

Planning a 2015 Wedding

I have no clue and he has no clue on how to plan a traditional wedding. We both want a semi-traditional wedding that is semi-formal. We have narrowed down some things about our wedding plans and they are:

  • Guests don’t have to dress up, they can wear whatever attire they feel most comfortable in. Yes, sure, if they want to wear their Pajama’s so be it, but remember pictures are being taken so if you want that memory, go for it!
  • We are leaning towards black and lilac for our wedding colors.
  • I will wear a traditional white wedding gown of some sort. 
  • We will not spend a lot of money creating a semi-traditional wedding.

So far that’s the gist of where we are at, but there isn’t a whole lot to discuss because we are so perfect for each other that each plan just bounces off the other so easily. We tossed some ideas around and both are pretty agreeable with most of what each other say. He wants to wear a tux with tails? Sure .. whatever works. He wants a top hat and cane? Well … I am still thinking about that idea.

This much is true; we want to have this wedding day be a day that celebrates and showcases us as individuals as well as a couple. Everything will simply fall into place …. because that’s how we roll.

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