Do Not Ever Include a But in an Apology

An apology has unmeasurable power in the ability to move forward from negative situations. I firmly believe a good apology is second best to forgiveness. One may say that you can only forgive a person when a good apology is included, but that is not actually true, forgiveness is something that comes within you and doesn’t always mean the other person has felt apologetic for their actions. A true apology is something that builds a bond between people and forgiveness doesn’t always build a stronger bond.

How to Apologize Correctly

All too often I have been caught in the cross fires of a heated battle regarding a variety of topics, when people are passionate about topics they tend to let their fiery side come out and mean things can be spoken or typed. I talk a lot about “living the example I want my kids to be” and this theory holds true with apologies. One of my biggest pet peeves is that one cannot apologize if they include a but in the sentence, here’s an example of an apology gone wrong;

I’m really sorry I called you those names but you were being unreasonable and you just made me so angry. You shouldn’t have made me that angry and I wouldn’t have called you those names.

Can you see how an apology like that one would not leave the person feeling as if that friend is genuinely sorry for their actions? When you make the decision to apologize to someone it means that you are truly sorry for your actions and you can see the wrong doing on your part, when you include a but in that sentence that simply turns the blame back onto the person you were supposedly trying to apologize to.  Passing the blame or making excuses is not proper etiquette for apologizing.

Follow these simple rules when apologizing and you will find stronger bonds between yourself & your kids, as well as yourself and other adults;

  • Only apologize for actions you are truly sorry for.
  • Accept that you were wrong for having done whatever it is you did and that you will try harder next time.
  • Be kind, use a tone of voice that has an apologetic ring to it; tone of voice & body language says a lot.
  • Try not to make the same mistake twice; once you have truly apologized work to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

There are times when I am off my rocker stressed out and in crazy Mama Bear mode, I am not a perfect parent nor am I a perfect human being. I admit my faults and I do my best to apologize when wrong. One area that I personally am working on as a parent is to apologize for my wrong actions without blaming the situation that caused my reaction. For example, if I were to yell at my kids because I was just at my point of “had enough” but they didn’t really deserve having their Mom raise her voice, I will simply apologize like this – “I am sorry for my reaction, I shouldn’t have yelled, that wasn’t the proper way to handle the situation. I love you guys and I will try harder to use a better tone of voice next time”. Then when next time rolls around, I work to ensure that my tone of voice is proper for the scenario.  My kids have learned to respect me because they know I respect them. My kids have learned to apology correctly and take blame for their own actions because I do the same.

I am sure others may have good tips on how to properly apologize, what would you add to my list of items to share with others on how to apologize in a proper way?

“Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/”.

Suppose I do have Some Control Issues with Some Things

It is too funny because when I look at other people who are a part of my world, such as friends or relatives what have you – I can truly see when they admit they have control issues, that they really do. I really don’t think of myself having such issues and then it hits me. I watch someone, like the boyfriend, sweep the bedroom floor…

He looks to be doing it rather daintily not really putting any arm strength into it and getting the dirt in the dust pan? OH my goodness! I literally had to bite my lip, stand back and just not say a word.

BE Quite Brandy

It was too funny because even he could tell I was having a super issue with him sweeping and helping to clean up the upper part of the home as I was working to get things packed up and in order. I did not say a word but oh man I wanted to.

I laughed it off and realized that if anything is going to work in any relationship, I just have to do what I did – watch, maybe cringe, bite my lip and not say a word. He didn’t break anything, the floor got swept – even if not the way I wanted to, it got swept.

That day is when it dawned on me that I do have some control issues with certain things. Not necessarily a physical person and what he/she is “allowed” to do in that way but it more stems from how things in a household should be completed, etc.  I am thankful that I am able to control that control problem and as with any fault a person has, it’s always a work in progress.

The sweeping got done right, so what’s the deal?

The deal is, I clearly have some small issues surrounding the idea of having any form of help around the house. Heck even car troubles, I feel the absolute need to be the person looking at the car and/or doing the work. I am just that sort of person.

At least I am aware and working on that …. and at least he has a sense of humor about it – that works out perfectly!

My Kids are Happy, Even the Little One

My youngest child is my sweet four year old son who at times can be found to be rather grumpy since the past few months. K-man started to get grumpy when he was upset about something or not happy, it’s as if he simply put – did not know how to voice his unhappiness or emotions at all. Every single emotion was played out through actions. That meant if he was not happy, he was aggressive. If he was happy, he was overly hyper. It was as if he simply did not know how to deal with any change in emotional feelings. Which I have found is common for age four?!

Loving Mother with her son

Then one day, all of a sudden, my “baby” started to be super happy, consistently happy. Amazingly happy. I was baffled but then it dawned on me, I am happy, consistently amazingly happy too. It’s so true that happy parents make happy children because I was having some rough patches for a bit, all the while K-man was too. Finally, I met this man and his children and him have become a consistent part of our world. Ever since then? My kids have been extremely happy and while they still have their normal childhood testing of my patience and boundaries – they seem to be happy with my relationship choice too.

It’s such an amazing feeling when you find that one person who seems to be that perfect match for you but then when you find out his two kids are a perfect match with your three kids – it’s heaven on Earth! We all are so amazingly happy and enjoying life that my four year old is now giving me hugs, kisses and often is my sidekick partner again. Whether baking, doing crafts or simply cuddling up to watch some Bubble Guppies while eating lunch, my K-man is back to being super happy and lovey dovey!

The great news? His Dad said K-man was super lovey dovey to him as well last night during his visit! So across the board the changes that are being made around here are shown to be a positive one because not only am I insanely happy, but my children are too! I love it when I makegood decisions; not only as a parent but as an individual woman too!

How JenSpends met Her English Husband

This is a true love, I met my love online, story being shared by Jen from JenSpends.

Our story is kind of nerdy. Back in 1999 it was a big deal to have your own personal website if you could figure out how to make one. I spent many hours after school my senior year of high school scanning my art portfolio and uploading it online. G also had his own website where he uploaded photos of his scouting adventures and some poetry he had written. Back then “webrings” were also a big deal. You could join up with groups of like-minded webmasters and everyone placed links at the bottom of their pages so that visitors could navigate to other blogs in the same “ring”.

One of G’s friends, also a nerd with a website, had created a webring called “Bored Students Webring”, which I found one day while I was bored at my summer job. It seemed like a good fit for me, so I joined and explored his friend’s site. It’s funny because the first photo I ever saw of G was edited by his friend to make him look like Spock from Star Trek. It was also an old photo, and he looked about 12 years old, so I didn’t give him much thought. I left a message in his friend’s guestbook. G didn’t have Internet access over the summer, but several months later I was very surprised to find a message from G in my own guestbook. He had visited my website, where he saw his first photo of me–I had pasted my face onto the Mona Lisa. He left me a brief message saying that he liked my website and my art. I emailed him back, and so our correspondence began.

I was at college in Buffalo, NY and G was in England, where he is from. I was a complete anglophile at the time, so the idea of corresponding with an actual Brit was exciting to me. I discovered that he and I were the same age, both in our first year at college, and he was a lot cuter than that Spock picture I had seen. I think the fact that we came from such different places is what really ignited the spark that became a relationship. We enjoyed talking about the ways in which our lives were very different, yet the same. Both of us had rather shy personalities, but being able to write our thoughts gave us a lot of confidence. There were some “perks” to having a long-distance relationship. We learned to communicate very well, and we both enjoyed exchanging good old fashioned love letters on a regular basis (it was so exciting getting a letter from England in the mail!). It was also good that I was able to have my independence as I worked my way through college. I was an architecture major, which was very grueling, and I think it would have been difficult to maintain a traditional relationship while keeping up with the insane schedule and workload.

Of course there were several downsides to a long-distance relationship as well. First of all, I felt like there was a stigma attached. Back then online dating was still relatively new and there were always horror stories about people turning out to be axe murderers, twenty years older than they claimed, a different gender, or scary looking. I think even I believed some of it–I was terrified to give G my mailing address when he wanted to send me my first letter, and I was embarrassed to explain to others that I was having an online relationship. I referred to him as my “penpal” for a long time until it became obvious that he meant a lot more to me. I had to bookmark a dictionary of British slang so I could work out whether G was trying to compliment me or insult me sometimes, but even without the language gap there were times when one or both of us misunderstood what we were trying to say. The time difference was another issue–it was difficult to find time when we were both available to chat or talk on the phone. When things began to get really serious and I realized that we might spend our lives together, it was difficult thinking about one of us leaving our family and everything we knew behind.

We finally met in person in 2001, and a few months later I traveled to England to study abroad for a year. Even then, it was still a rather long-distance relationship since I was in northern England and he was in the south. We did see each other a lot more often, though. The day that I had to say goodbye to him in England, I bawled. We had grown so close, and I didn’t know exactly when I’d see him again. He was able to visit about twice per year after that.

Maintaining a long distance relationship was difficult, but it felt absolutely magical when we were finally able to be together for good.

Although we first started talking in 1999, we consider the point at which we officially started dating to be the first time we met in person, on August 22, 2001. G immigrated to the United States in June 2005, and we were married on July 23, 2005. Sometimes it’s amazing to realize that we’ve known each other for so long! I spent the first 18 years of my life not knowing he existed at all, and now I can’t imagine life without him.

If you just can’t get enough of Jen’s story please check out the story How I Met My English Husband in Walmart.

What is it about the Unwritten “law” called Girl Code

There is this unwritten law between girls called Girl Code, have you heard of it? Urban Dictionary defines Girl Code as; “The code of guidelines that are {all} girls most obey in order not to get kicked out of the community.” So what is this girl code & is it different for every clique?

For me I have my own set of girl code rules to abide by and I have let them be more of a basis of my moral character than a code between girls. To me, there are just certain things friends do not do to each other, that is unless they have no soul, no morals and are truly a bad person. Mistakes are mistakes, we all make them but I am not talking about a random mistake, I am talking about real best friend girl code!

Here are some of the girl code rules I have lived by and/or found others live by:

  • When attending a girls night out, do not invite your boyfriend, husband or brother, it is a girls night out only.
  • You are never in any case to date a friends ex, a guy who she was really into, or her child(ren) father.
  • You are never in any case to have sex with a friends ex, a guy who she was really into, or her child(ren) father.
  • A girl should never chase a man, let him chase you and show you how much he wants you.
  • Always stick up for your friend, even if someone else is sharing valid points of a bad character flaw of your friend.
  • If you want to date a friends brother, you must get your friends permission before doing so.

I am curious where all this girl code came from, seems to me they are pretty simple, easy to live by rules, specifically about dating situations. I mean, honestly, I could not get serious with a friends ex. When a person gets serious or even just dates a friends ex, it causes bad complications in their friendship. This friend will no longer be trusted and the situation could in fact destroy a friendship, thus leaving the person who dated an ex alone when the friends ex dumps her down the road.

To me, girl code is simply another way to help spread good morals and a common respect among friends!

Do you have more girl codes? Do share in the comments below or visit my Facebook Page and join in the conversation!


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