Let’s Get Real Honest Here. #parenthood #relationships

There is a lot in my brain these days. As the warm sun shines down and I feel my head start to clear up from the gloom Winter casts upon my soul. Spring has sprung they say, but here in New Hampshire we had a few days of 70′s then Mother Nature decided to have a hormonal swing and dumped a few inches of snow on our green grass. I won’t let a little bit of snow hold me down though, I am thankful for my mind to be more at ease. I say it’s my praying that has opened my eyes but it could also be the strength from the sunshine beaming down upon me, warming my soul and allowing my thoughts to flow more wholeheartedly.

Sunshine Warms My Soul: Thoughts from a Mom

My honesty today, all starts with parenthood; I am a Mom first and foremost, that is my job that will be mine forever. I like to say until my children are 18 years old that they are my 100% priority, but in all reality, I am sure they will be my priority long after age 18. It just sounds better to know at age 18, I may get a break from my Mom job. For now, my children are 11, 7 and 5 years of age. My 7 year old is on the spectrum, my 5 year old could be labeled as ADHD if you must place a label, and my 11 year old is my only girl who is battling the hormones that Mother Nature gave us females to deal with. It’s a juggle. Every. Single. Day.

I can honestly say I adore being a mother, it’s something that I do naturally, I was apparently blessed with a very huge maternal instinct and while no parent is perfect, I think this Mom Job has to be the most rewarding one yet and I am proud to say my three children get great grades, think for their own self, know what makes them tick and they have a heart of gold. To me, I’ve done my job and will continue to do my job. I lead by example and if I am not at my full capacity of happiness, neither are my children. All day I work to raise my children, it is my job to be their parent { and their Dad’s too, of course}. I am not one of those parents who wants anyone else to determine what’s best for my children, I am the one who spends the most time with them and I am constantly observing them to see how I can work to better them and teach them how to be well rounded individuals.

My Mom job makes it so that at the end of the night, when the children lay asleep in their beds, all I want to do is one of two things; write my little heart out on my websites OR put my feet up on the recliner watching a funny show to laugh the day away. What I don’t want to do is; have another adult around me. I will be honest with you and with myself, at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is have another responsibility placed on my shoulders to please another human being. I don’t mind having company on occasion, I don’t mind engaging in adult conversations but reality is that I spend a predominant amount of my time working from home to make money and raising my kids; the last thing I have time for is a relationship.

I am finding this to be the truth, this lack of wanting or having time for a relationship, more and more as each day comes. My middle child has not been on any medications since January 20, 2014. He is excelling. My son has come so far and it’s taken a lot of hard work on my part as well as on his father’s part. We have worked so hard to ensure that our son doesn’t need medications, it’s a challenge raising children and if you are choosing to be with someone, then it should be someone who can help balance out the juggling with you. This isn’t easy to find. I am told far too often the level of parenting I do is something few see anymore. People commend me for my hard work as a Mom and honestly that makes me more happy than anyone commending me about a relationship status.

At the end of the day I find that I just, in all honesty, do not have time for another human being nor do I want that pressure placed upon me; even if that other adult isn’t placing pressure upon me himself, it’s his presence and the title of being in a relationship that can get me down. I feel weighted and the only area that is weighing me down is a relationship status. This is crazy to some, this isn’t me saying “oh my gosh I am with a total jerk”, it’s me saying at the end of the day, I am starting to see the Light …. I am simply someone who is too focused, driven and motivated in the areas of Parenthood and Running a Business to add to that. I have always been a hard worker, never been a hard relationship worker, while I feel I worked hard to try to keep my prior marriage to the father of my son’s together, it comes down to this – I am far too busy working on my children and myself to try to work on someone else being part of that. Not right now. It just weighs me down. The fact that this weighs me down, makes things a lot more clear to me, there’s nothing wrong with the relationship per say or the other person, it’s just me. I don’t do well with relationships when I am so focused on things I find more important; my children and my work. That may be selfish, but I am so unselfish with my children that I deserve a little selfishness in ensuring I am at my best!

It’s difficult to be this honest with someone, because I have had these conversations privately. They seem to go no where. It seems I walk alone on my path of ensuring my true inner happiness is always there. Few can relate to that, for society doesn’t condone us to be individuals and listen to our souls. Society wants to push us to be with someone, we can’t make it on our own, we must bow down to the powers of having that person beside us. I don’t believe that everyone is ready for a relationship when they happen into one, but they take the risk and hope it works out. Now, I am not condoning walking away from a relationship just because of a hard day or a week long funk between the two of you; relationships take work. Love takes work. I know this. I am simply saying; I don’t have the energy, time nor desire to put forth that type of energy towards a relationship right now. I am pretty sure that’s why I said yes to the ring but opted to push the wedding date out another year; something inside of me knows I am no good with relationships while raising my children right now.

My children need me at my best, that is the one gift I can make a choice to give them, even if no one understands it right away, including my children. I do my best to be honest with others and myself and this is me pouring my clear mind and warm soul out to the world.

That Moment You Realized, “I done Good”

This right here is my daughter. My lovely first born and only daughter. My sweet, lovely first born child and only daughter is at “that age”, and parents, I know you know what I am talking about! That age where hormones go flying, your child becomes someone you don’t know and things are a bit testing at times. It’s an age of changes across the board …. friendships, relationships, body image, hormones and much more!

MY Awesome Daughter

What I had hoped would happen but didn’t really expect to happen during this age of changes, keeps happening!

The other day I had an “I done good” moment with my daughter.

It went something like this ….

Daughter says, “So my friend {name left out for privacy} the other day was sitting at a table with a bunch of kids I know don’t like me. She told me she was clenched fist mad because they kept talking about me. She said she kept telling them not to talk about her friend like that and she was so angry with them.”

I reply, “oh wow, so she gets really upset when people talk about about you, huh? I suppose your friend {again name left out for privacy} was just trying to stand up for you because she sees you as a great person, right?”

Daughter says, “I guess so but she really needs to stop. I told her that I already knew that group she was sitting with doesn’t really like me, I don’t care that they don’t like me, it doesn’t bother me one bit. If they don’t like me, that is their choice and I am okay with that.”

I reply, “huh. Well guess I taught you well. I am happy to see you are this confident. I love you.”

Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure what to say because at that moment, my daughter sounded exactly like I have sounded all of these years raising her. I have often told my daughter, who gets upset if her Dad {or anyone} talks badly about me, that “I don’t care what anyone, including your Dad thinks of me or says about me. Anyone who knows me will realize the lies others say about me are untrue. Those who don’t know me and wish to judge me based on what others say are not worth my time nor my energy.  No matter what mean things people say, it doesn’t change who I am in my heart. I am who I am and I am awesome, others can make a choice to love me, like me or hate me. I cannot control how others judge me.”

I lived my life in such a confident way that it has allowed my children, specifically my oldest & only daughter, to see and understand that others cannot break us, others are not able to allow us to feel anything unless we let them. I have lived in such a way that is now showing it’s true colors through my daughter. She has seen me overcome so many hurdles, she watches me respond and interact with other adults in a way that encourages a positive mindset and high self esteem.

I couldn’t have been more jaw dropped proud in that moment hearing my daughter sound just like me and I can only hope she continues on this positive path of loving who she is.

Picture a Day – My Sons in a Collage

My sons spend a lot more time with me due to their Dad’s work schedule. You see, my daughter’s Dad doesn’t really work per say or whatever he does, I have no clue but it leaves him having more time with Ki which means I barely see her some times, she hates that. A girl needs her Mom at this stage in her world, but explaining that to a first time parent? Have fun … so here are pics of my boys during their times with their Mama and together… they have an amazing bond that I admire and enjoy watching grow day by day!

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When All Else Fails … Color

Here we are on Tuesday and it’s really a Monday, I have a full day of work now with the exception of a lunch break to meet for my youngest son’s school drop off. I hope to get a lot of work done today, but as usual I am juggling many things at once. On days like today it’s so important for me to look back at pictures of my family and happy moments to remind myself what it is I truly am blessed to have …. love!

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This picture above is one I colored with my six year old son who wanted us to color the dogs and cats in different ways. This kid loves to use his imagination and we have fun with it while coloring. Another picture that was colored this day was one with my oldest … and only daughter.

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Whenever there is nothing else to do and the kids are bored, we pull out crayons and coloring books or paper and have fun drawing and coloring together.  I am blessed to have kids that enjoy a variety of activities and love hanging with their Mama.

Cheers to a wonderful week with your family and many memory making moments!

Co-Parenting Advice Leaves me Saying Use Common Sense

Parents Hold Childs Hand ForeverThe situations I run into being the advisory panel for in this journey called life is co-parenting. Co-parenting is pretty straight forward to me and believe me I do not care so much for both guys I co-parent with every moment of our co-parenting lives, but I am sure they have those moments they feel the same about me. Honestly, co-parenting in general is all about give & take as well as coming back down to Earth from your own selfish cloud you live on, to be adults for your children. It’s a really simple practice called “common sense”, if you use common sense and realize that you and your ex are no longer in a relationship so all that matters is that the children are leading  a positive life then co-parenting gets to be a breeze for all involved. If, on the other hand, you choose to be selfish, feel as if you are “owed” something by your ex and proceed to place the children in the middle of said “selfish ideas”, well then, your co-parenting journey shall be nothing like that in which others experience.

While the definition given by Merriam Webster’s Dictionary online does leave the definition of common sense open to perception, for the most part the idea of having common sense usually comes with having a level of adult maturity. I mean seriously, if you are a  grown adult and still think the world revolves around you then you have something else coming to you. Wake up! Once you become a parent, the world revolves 100% around your children’s lives. You are now a Mom or a Dad and your life of doing whatever you want, when you want stopped that day you gave birth. It’s not that you cannot still live your own life and have your own time, I am simply saying that once you you become a parent that all other parts of your immature, non parent world cease to exist as frequently as they did before.

Floating CandleI am all for parents having a social life, I am all for both parents having a social life. You see there is a difference, one parent does not over ride the other parent, one parent is not in charge of the other parent in any co-parenting situation, heck even in a relationship things shouldn’t be like that. Co-parenting is just like having a normal give & take relationship – you both give a little and take a little to allow each other to be parents but also have their own life aside from parenting. This is called normal people. A normal co-parenting situation in my head plays out something like I have in place – every other weekend the kids go with their Dad’s. This makes sense, because we both work so weekends would ultimately be our only “private adult time” so that means we split up the weekends giving each other “weekend time” to be our own self and to be the parent. It’s fair. It’s give & take.

My kids also see their Dad’s twice a week. Sadly my ex husband works nights so while he is always open to seeing Aj when there is no school, he usually just ends up with our K-man twice a week in the mornings before preschool. My daughter goes to her Dad’s twice a week overnight and then every other weekend. I end up with no kids every other weekend, mind you, I end up with my boys every Friday because of the ex husband working nights but he takes them Saturday through Monday while my daughter goes with her Dad Friday evening through Monday. Again, give and take. To work around things and make it so our life is split as evenly and fairly as possible.

Life is not fair, but co-parenting can be somewhat fair. Each parent has needs to be met as an individual adult and as a parent. Those needs need to be realized by both parents, and respected by both parents. Everyone I know has complimented my kids, their Dad’s and me on how well we transition with this co-parenting. We all work so well together to do our best to ensure that each parent has their own separate life and if changes come up where things need to get rearranged, it’s give & take, they will rearrange their visits so I can take my business trips while I in turn would take the kids a little extra if they wanted me to because they did that for me.

Mom Snuggling with SonI am blessed and so thankful that co-parenting has worked easy (for the most part) for me because my children have blossomed and become positive mini-me’s because of how well their father’s and I have tried to work to ensure our grudges against each other personally never fall into the life of co-parenting. It’s easy to have a positive co-parenting experience for your life too, if you are struggling, simply take some time to work hard to stand firm and separate what is co-parenting and what is personal life. What is a personal grudge and what is a real genuine parental issue needs to be separated too, for instance you all should discuss any parenting issues that come up with an open mind, remember kids play off of parents – they do this while living in same household with two parents, and let go of anything that is non-parent related.

If your kids are being tended to sufficiently and are not in harms way then who gives a crap what the other parent does on their time or their free time. That’s it in a nutshell. Simple. Easy. Positive Co-parenting. Positive Children.

Do you co-parent? Do you have friends who co-parent? If you have issues with this topic or your friends do please ask question in the comments section and I will formulate a blog post advice column to reply and hopefully assist co-parents around the world.

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