My Honest Truth About Divorce – Get Over Yourself

Divorce is something I’ve always called “The Big D”, it reminds me of that country song “going to the big D and don’t mean Dallas …” I went into marriage knowing darn well that I wouldn’t back out of marriage with divorce on a whim, it wasn’t something either of us “believed in”, unless absolutely necessary. Still, after two sons and about 3 years of marriage, we were divorced. I often wonder if we made the right decision, if that was indeed what was best for us and our family.

It was the best decision at the time, based on circumstances and our sons are happier now than they ever could have been with us under the same roof.

As I co-parent with my ex husband in such a perfectly normal way, it still creeps into my mind once in awhile that I wish we could have made this work better as a couple. We couldn’t have back then though, and together we are two different people. It’s easier for us to co-parent so positively and be friends because we ended our marriage before we got to the bitter hatred point and because as co-parents we focus on our sons without anything else mattering.

As a divorced couple, all that matters is our children. That’s it. It’s easy really.

I am here to talk about the honest truths about divorce, in hopes that I can get more people to think harder before jumping to that decision, you see, I learned a lot from my divorce and some lessons learned were extremely valuable to me as an individual. I thought I would share my honesty about divorce today.

Thoughts/Circumstances that Come into Play After Divorce:

  • Hindsight is always 20/20 – If you are currently divorced and raising your child(ren) amicably, get along with your ex and can even be friends it’s normal to have some questions about whether divorce was the right answer. Remember, we always see things differently looking back, than in the moment. Circumstances that led to divorce were real, don’t ever think they were not, apparently certain things were important at that moment in your life and you need to accept that, not dwell on the “what ifs”.
  • Confident in Divorce - No matter how confident you were in getting divorced, it’s usually not easy for anyone, especially if you can’t just divorce and move on, never speaking to that person again due to raising children together.  Remind yourself, when those whimsical thoughts come into your mind, that you divorced this person for a reason, even if the reason wasn’t extreme, it was a valid reason during that time period.
  • Friendship After Divorce – I have met far too many people who are co-parenting and despise their ex. I say Let it Go. I don’t care if they cheated on you, I don’t care what in the heck they did to you to hurt you deeply, get yourself help through therapy and move on. This is to better yourself as a person and to ensure you don’t allow negative feelings towards your ex affect your parenting responsibilities.  I will be honest, many ex’s are a much better person after you get divorced, because they too learned something from this life changing experience!

What you should do before filing for divorce:

  • Has Communication Broken Down – Raising kids can take a lot out of you, as an individual, which means communication can be broken during the child bearing days. Even if your partner isn’t taking the initiative to communicate properly with you, do your best to try your hardest to be a better listener for your partner, lead them by being a compassionate example of great communication.
  • Therapy - I am an avid supportive of counseling services, these are great people who specialize in getting you two back on track. They don’t work miracles, but you must be certain to try couples therapy before throwing away a marriage, believe me, it may be a lot of you causing some issues and you just need a professional to open your eyes to it.
  • How Will This Benefit the Children – Many people will say it’s best to stay married for the children, sure they do play a huge toll in whether divorce is the right answer or not. Remember once you are divorced, you have to give up those wake ups, goodnight kisses and so much of the family unit time together. Make sure that you are fully aware of how the family dynamic will change after divorce and that this will be beneficial to the kids long term.
  • Have You Stopped Paying Attention to Each Other – The days of listening to your spouse in awe over their excitement and joy in life can dry up, you may be sick and tired of hearing their voice. You may be tired and exhausted from working hard to support the family. Whatever reasons, drop the excuses, your partner should always be treated like gold. Even if it’s something simple like doing a kind gesture for them, saying a kind word, snuggling up to give them a kiss every night, even if they have already fallen asleep. If things have gotten real bad, they may not take to this right away, but keep trying!

My Last Tidbit of Opinion About Divorce

If there is any part of you, whether large or small, debating if divorce is really the right answer, listen to yourself. Take the time you need to fully absorb all that divorce will entail; the changes the kids will have happen, the changes for you as a person, the changes for your spouse, etc etc. Think long and hard, make sure all of these challenging changes that come about after divorce are worth going through without your spouse. Be certain that you are not making the decision to divorce for your own selfish reasons, this happens without us even realizing it.

Also, remember, even if you did divorce this person that it’s possible to turn back the decision and re-marry them. Just get over your stubborn self and accept that you made a mistake, I have seen many couples who got divorced early on in the marriage, then find out later on that they were ready to be together, forever. They re-married and have been together for many years since! Nothing is final in life, except death and even that is questionable.

Christian Fiction Books

Reading is relaxing and with all of the hurry and stress that occurs on an average day, having a good book waiting for you at the end of the day makes life a little better. For Christians, there are a lot of fiction books that contain unacceptable subject matter or simply are not enjoyable reading. That’s why finding best christian fiction books at FavoriteChristianBooks.com is much like discovering a hidden treasure. FavoriteChristianBooks.com has quite a selection of contemporary and historical Christian fiction books available. They also have fiction that falls into categories such as Allegory, Biblical and Amish fiction. Not only are these books enjoyable reading, they are also enlightening, educational and exhilarating. While your usual reading habit may only include fiction books, you might discover some non-fiction books that capture your interest while browsing around the website. There’s also a variety of Bible Commentaries and some very helpful study Bibles available. Many of these selections would be excellent gift ideas for members of your church family or for your Christian friends. It is essential both for your physical well-being and your emotional health that you set aside some time each day for relaxation. Keeping a good Christian novel nearby is a great way to temporarily escape to a more exciting or more peaceful world. If you happen to be fortunate enough to find some vacation time in your schedule, be sure to take some Christian fiction with you wherever you go.

I Met My Love Online at Sawyouatsinai.com

Margelit & Shmuel met on a Jewish matchmaking site called Sawyouatsinai.com. Both lived in Jerusalem at the time so they were able to meet in person to find out if they were really a good match for each other.  After a short four months of dating they were wed and have been married for five and a half years now.

Margelit and Shmuel have three children who are four, three and two years of age.  They find that having come from divorced homes themselves, they have an uphill battle to ensure their marriage stays together. Shmuel has a blog called Kosher Marriage where he shares tips on how to make your marriage work, the fun way. The fact that Shmuel is so devoted to making the marriage work and helping others have a long-lasting marriage is what helps Margelit become more devoted to him each day.

Shmuel is a very romantic man and when I asked Margelit what is the most romantic thing he has done for her she responded:

Shmuel does romantic things all the time. Last week, on date night, I didn’t feel well so I told him I wanted to stay in. He said he’d be a little late coming home from work. When he arrived I found out why – he left work early to drive to our favorite restaurant (which is an hour away) and bring the food home so we could have our “date” at home.

Margelit & Shmuel Hoffman have a strong devotion to each other, they work hard to ensure they do not become just another statistic in divorced couples. Meeting online was a great experience for this couple and I am honored that they have shared their story with all of us today.

Was Marriage More Eternal To Those Who Waited?

I often wonder if marriage lasted longer with those who waited to have sexual relations until after they were wed? Who knows exactly what it is that keeps two people together in a marriage while the other couple is siting in divorce court ready to point fingers, lay blame and argue their way through an ugly divorce that ends up hurting all involved, including themselves.

I recently found an article shared by a friend on a Facebook titled You never Marry the Right Person and I just had to read this. I am always intrigued by people’s opinions on marriage, because after all I often wonder about my own decision to marry and then later on to get divorced. I still live with the hope that my family will get this thing figured out and we will continue on being strong together as a united family, but it’s difficult to fight with my own internal feelings of “is this person right for me”.

In all honesty, my ex husband who I often slip up and still call my husband from time to time or when introducing him to someone else, is a very supportive man. Although this man has flaws that annoy the hell out of me, as I am sure I do with him, we are two people on a similar quest with a very aligned future.  J and I both have similar, if not the same, hopes and dreams in family life, for our children, retirement and business. Can not two people come together to make a marriage or relationship work based on common goals and dreams? I think they can.

The problem is that I did not wait to have a sexual life until after marriage, I started having sex at the age of 14 and looking back it was to feel loved, wanted and desired. I was looking to have sexual relations fulfill something missing deep inside of me, an emotional void so to speak. Of course having sexual relations did nothing for me, no gap in my emotional character was filled, I wasn’t satisfied ever and no one ever lived up to the whole package I had in my head for a healthy, desirable relationship.

After reading  You never Marry the Right Person I realized that maybe, just maybe, my standards were set too high for anyone to ever fit into.

When I went from a sexually active teen and young adult to a thirty year old mother it seems my mind has changed on what is important, what one should truly value in a life long partner. This idea that my mind has changed on what a real relationship or marriage should be has changed me for the better and I can only hope that my children will be able to see that waiting for sexual relations is vitally important. I hope that I can teach my children the true meaning behind loving another person so that they do not fall into the trap of placing their wants/needs/desires so high that no one will ever fit into the mold.

I won’t try to enforce no sex before marriage, but I will do my best to teach my children that no sexual relation will fill them the way an intellectual connection between two flawed people will.

I Get it, Support your Marriage but at what cost?

I am divorced, fully disclosing this fact. I feel we tried and tried and tried but divorce was the end result. As much as I have this yearning to keep my family together, I also know when I am not at my best that my children are not at their best.

I am a huge supporter of marriage and think that when you take those vows you are not stuck to them, but you are committed to ensure you take every possible measure to seek help and work on communication to see if the issues that arise can be resolved. I know from personal experience that just raising children can cause a strain on any marriage, even the best marriages but a strain on marriage doesn’t mean it has to be the end of a marriage.

My sons take up a lot of parental time and since they rarely sleep well it seems by the time either parent is done dealing with them it’s difficult to want to do anything except lay your head down or for me … get online and get some work done finally to make money for those bills. It’s extremely difficult raising a family and keeping the relationship alive between you and your partner.

Just because something is difficult, doesn’t mean it is impossible though! Keep that in mind when you are sitting and debating the BIG D, because believe me, it’s not something any person should jump to as a first resort! I am one of those silly woman who believes that I can be happy and will be happy. I will do whatever it takes to ensure I am at my happiest, of course I don’t mean unrealistic happy – like happy all of the time, every moment of every day, but a happy where I feel complete as a person.

I do realize people change after living life situations and sometimes they change for the best while others may change for the worse. Marriages and even just relationships in general take work, whether is a partner or a child or a sibling, keeping relationships strong and positive, will take some hard times. It’s when those hard times start being beyond yours and anyone elses control to help fix that you must look in the mirror and ask if you love the person you are today and if you think you are in a funk or if this is just truly a not good living situation for you and your children.

I hope for your marriages sake that you can hang on and go to counseling and make sure you do all you possibly can to hang onto your family and marriage because your family is worth a fight, even if the end result is not what you had hoped for. If it makes you happier and you both have closure knowing you gave it your all then you can walk away with a boulder off of your shoulder or continue in the marriage on a more positive path of renewed freshness and love for each other.

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