There are already a few people who know about what I am going to tell you today, some of those are MomDot Forum Friends, MommaDJane and Stephanie but for those who do not know and haven’t been friends with me for the past year, talking on the phone, interacting with me in person, etc then this may come to a shock to you. I have told my family and I have told my friends, now it’s time for me to tell my readers who I would also like to think of as “virtual friends”, or a virtual “support group”.
Here is what I need to tell you; my husband and I are going through a separation. This was a much thought out decision and I have tried to pull anything I can together in my heart to not have to make this hard decision, but reality is separation is the only answer that will allow my family to move forward in a positive direction.
Just an FYI, when I married my husband in May 2007 we had been dating about a year, living together about 6-8 months and had simply clicked like best friends and could talk about anything. Now here it is November 2009 and I can barely remember the last time my husband has opened up to me, hasn’t lied to me and has actually given me the love and affection I need on occasion. I have given so much love, affection, devotion and honesty in our years together but it finally has come down to the fact that we are simply two different people who got caught up in the “safe decision” to get married.
I know no matter how much has happened to break my trust within him or destroy my emotional connection to him that he is a person who I can count on to raise the children and take care of family financially.
I could go on and on for all the reasons but honestly it simply comes down to a matter of fact, no matter how many times I review our wedding pictures, family pictures, wedding vows, wedding poems, and look at him and try to attempt to find that emotional connection to him; I can not.
As a person who truly believes in living her life happy and following her heart I know this separation may be a shock, but the reality is, it’s what will make me happy in the long run. It’s what will eventually make my husband happy, and he is finally seeing things that way. We haven’t kissed in a long time, we haven’t hugged in a long time, we haven’t had any romantic or emotional connection in a long time. My husband and I have been living content as best friends raising our children and my daughter together and no matter how easy this situation would be to stay in, my heart is breaking knowing that I can not love my husband the way I feel a husband and wife should. Knowing that my husband can’t love me the way I feel he should.
I refuse to sit back and sink into a depressed state of living, I refuse to live content just because many will feel you stay in a marriage no matter what. I will be honest, financially I am scared to death but emotionally I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I am finally started to focus on the positive again, my writing is coming back to me and my children are happier because I am happier knowing that in one week my husband is meeting to sign a lease for a house to rent while we separate to see if distance may change things.
I am keeping an open mind, and not jumping right to divorce, but reality is we will be living in two different places as we live in separation and give each other the space to move forward in our lives, if that means we are brought back together, cool, but if it means we do not find our way back together, then that’s a fact I am willing to accept and live with.
I don’t expect anyone to understand, I don’t want to give in to all the personal details, but reality is no one truly knows a marriage and/or relationship until they have lived behind the walls we call our home and seen first hand the issues that have built up over the years. Separation is the answer, whether I have changed, whether he has changed doesn’t matter, it’s simply a fact that we haven’t been living like a husband and wife should for a long time and I refuse to live this way any longer. This is no one persons fault and so there you have it … I am going to be a single mom of three by the end of November 2009 and many of you may think I am crazy but I am simply choosing to live my happy life, so that my children will grow up happy too!
Make it a Happy Day!