Sometimes You Have to Step Away From Family #siblings

Sometimes You Have to Step Away From Family

There’s a huge piece of me that believes you stick by family regardless of who they are, decisions they make and how they treat you. As time has gone on and I near the age of 35, have a great work from home business that I built from the ground up and three kids to think about, I have realized family isn’t what I always thought it was.

There is something more to be said about having a family member who is constantly selfish and does nothing but drain you each time you are around them.

I hate that I have to step away from my little sister, I love her deeply. I want her to get the help I feel she needs, possibly anger management? I want her to see the beauty within her daughter’s eyes and learn to love her unconditionally. Learn that those words she says had once hurt her deeply as a child and yet she is doing the same to her own child.

Little Sis and Me.
Little Sis and Me.

Do not repeat history. And if you are repeating history, hear out those who are trying to help you.

Spitting in my face with a threat that I won’t ever be asked to have my niece again, after I get involved to take my niece into my home. I cared for her. I fed her. I bathed her. I gave her some of her childhood days back. I helped my sister at a low point in her life, granted it was for two weeks because let’s face it I have a business and three kids of my own. I have worked my butt off for the life I live! An extra child with needs due to having not enough attention and constantly being yelled at, is a lot to take in.

I had no idea how much my niece needed because of all she has gone through in her short three years of life and how she has been treated!

Because I was honest with my sister and DCYF stating that, “I cant’ give her what she needs”. Once I Made that decision that I can’t provide for this child the way she requires, our Mom then our Dad and Step Mom came in to help with this little girl, I am the bad guy? I seriously am like WTF. There’s no other way to describe what I felt in that moment.

My little sis and me when she was pregnant
My little sis and me when she was pregnant

I grew up always worrying about my little sister, I constantly ticked her off because I was more of a mother to her than a sister. As I became a mother of my own children, I realized I had to step away from the mother role and be more of a big sis to my little sis but boy that doesn’t seem to matter.

She spat in my face with a threat instead of just being grateful I took in this little girl and the state didn’t nab her that night! Many don’t realize there’s more to that story than what my Sis tells everyone, remember I was the initial person beyond my Sis who heard what the police officer thought needed to happen that night! It isn’t my story to tell, but it is far more than what my Sis tried making everyone believe.

My little sis and me at a Father's Day BBQ years ago. <3
My little sis and me at a Father’s Day BBQ years ago. <3

Dear Little Sis,

When DCYF or the cops are knocking down your door again because you lost your temper, as you do, don’t come calling me. I can’t be a part of your life until you learn to do something better for yours. Think about the pain you suffer from the hands of your own childhood, one in which we both were raised in, but have completely different memories of. Think about the pain you were caused from what our parents have said or not said to us growing up. All of this stuff you confided in me through the years and yet you sit here and treat your family like crap?

I wish you the best and do hope somewhere you find peace within your soul. I will forever love you.

Love,

Your Big Sis

Others in our family can continue to be there for my little sis. They can say this is just how she is. This is just a phase. That’s their decision. My decision has been to walk way. I long to have my little sis back, I will forever love and care about her, but at the same time … we are now in our 30’s and I think it’s time to do some soul searching and realize what we did as teens & young adults to screw up things doesn’t cut in the adult world.

My little sis and me one night looking all pretty. I do miss these times.
My little sis and me one night looking all pretty. I do miss these times.

At some point you need to realize you are causing more harm than good and look into the eyes of your little girl … look at the photos of her with family and see where do you find that little girl looking happiest?

Do  you not long to get help with the anger you hold inside? Do you not desire to have that little girl look like that with you? I know on your good days you do long for these things … I know this because I have seen  you at your best!

I just cannot get on the same page with my little sis and so as much as I wish I could help inspire her to be stronger, more compassionate, more loving and friendly to others who help her – that’s something she has to figure out on her own. I cannot be brought down the ride she is heading down, it’s a downward spiral that even her own daughter shouldn’t be on but that’s her child and we can’t change another human being nor take a child away from her mother. I had hoped this little girl being born, a miracle baby would have inspired a motherly instinct and it did … for awhile but troubling times seem to have risen and here we are … not speaking as it goes with our sibling history.

This hurts, it never will get easier, but I can’t be like everyone else and sugar coat things because I am done. There’s a little girl involved now and that little girl deserves a life of being a child …. A real child who can go outside and play. A real child who doesn’t get constantly yelled at for just being a toddler. A real child who is acting out as a means to say, “Look mama I love you and I want you to be my Mama and play with me”.

My little sis and me when I was headed to 8th grade graduation
My little sis and me when I was headed to 8th grade graduation

This little girl once said to me, “My Mama used to play with me when I was a baby. She no play with me now. I want Mama to play with me like I was a baby. I liked that”. In that one moment tears came to my eyes … I hope that my sister can get on a good path, get help that she needs and make decisions about who she really should have in her life so that this little girl can have that Mama playing with her as she did on the floor when this little girl was a baby.

My niece doesn’t want her Mama to be all active with her, she just wants a bit of her Mama’s time just like in those baby days .. on the floor playing toys with her. It’s that simple. She just wants to feel the Mama love. My sister’s MS is there, I get it, but work around it. This little girl is calling out for you to just sit down and give her some attention on a regular basis, “like when she was a baby”.

My Little Sister & Me at my Dads one Summer
My Little Sister & Me at my Dads one Summer

We only have today, tomorrow is not a guarantee, and as much as this hurts  .. I can’t keep getting stomped on for trying to extend a hand to help. Judge me if you will, but I say this is me being strong and finally saying that I deserve to be treated better. I hear the lies and incorrect versions of stories being told to the family, I have watched long enough while this story then that story and oh wait another story gets told.

Just stop telling stories, let go of all the troubled people you choose to be with and realize that right now you need to focus on yourself and your child who loves you deeply!

My intentions when writing this was to speak the truth as I see it. Speak the hurt as I feel it. This is an important discussion for me to write out. I own my own blog for a reason, to write what I so desire to write. Publishing this was something that I had to do for my peace of mind in hopes that it can help others learn that family matters and while you may not like what family has to say, they usually have your best interest at heart. Again, I love my Little Sis, but right now she’s not the person I know she can be. Deep within her soul there is that sister that is shining through in all of the photos I featured here today, may my Little Sis find the light back to being that happy woman she longs to be.

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23 Comments

    1. Thank you for the comment. We aren’t getting along at all. Not speaking and haven’t for a month or so now. she’s removed me from Facebook and has yet to utter a single word since telling me she won’t ever ask me to take my niece again. I see my niece through my father and mother for now, because of this falling out. Those photos are old ones from our old times together before she started this downhill path. And it makes me sad. 🙁

    1. Thank you very much for your kind words. I am trying to move forward and focus on things I can change, sadly we can’t change another person or show them the light even if they are our sibling and we wish to show them that. It’s time for her to find the way herself and hopefully all works out.

    1. It is interesting, I was told to think of family as an individual person. Let go of the title of sibling or family and would you have this person in your life. The answer would be no right away, but because this is my only sibling, someone I love deeply … it was a difficult decision to make. I will forever love her and care about her, I don’t wish her harm, I wish for her to find her own path to happiness and stop having to spiral the way she does and push those who care away from her 🙁

  1. Family life is complicated. If the only reason why someone with bad behavior is in our life is because they are family, then we need to set that person aside. No one should be allowed to hurt us emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically.

    1. That was the difficult part of this all, family. I was raised that you stick by family regardless of who they are or how they are or what they do to you. Just as I watched this spiral downhill and harm me as a person emotionally, I realized it was taking away from my own little family in my household. My trio deserves their Mama to be at the best possible emotional state to raise them as they are used to, it’s sad so sad that I have to keep this distance from my only sister. I love her so much and am so broken up inside, but felt this has to be the way for my sanity to stay in tact.

  2. So sorry you are going through this. I wish family life could be easier but it seems harder than it should be. Hope everything works out for you.

    1. Family is so challenging sometimes. I knew siblings are rough, but I had always found a way to connect with my sister until recently which has me really concerned as to what she is going through. I am the person who loves to inspire and help others, so it hurts deeply I cannot help my only sibling.

    1. I am always baffled at how two siblings four years apart, raised by the same parents with the same circumstances surrounding our upbringing can be so completely different. I am sad because she is only only sibling and I yearn for our sibling bond we used to have. Sure we are night and day but we found a way as adults to become friends and now I have been pushed away I feel 🙁 I just can’t emotionally handle any of it any longer. I hope things change some day but it may take a huge change for me to be able to fully let down my guard again.

  3. It’s so hard. But you have to think of you and how you are better off. If you can cut that negativity out, you’ll have a happier life!

  4. This sounds like a really tough situation. I definitely understand that you have to step away for a while. It’s good that you’re optimistic that your sister can change.

  5. People have to learn that they have to do what’s best for them and their own families, even if it does mean cutting out family. I have had to contemplate cutting people out including family, and if that’s what I have to do for my own sanity then so be it.

  6. Omg love this!!! I relate to this so much. I have a sister and mom who just drain me constantly. Once I took a step back, life was so much peacefuler. I wish they would realize how toxic negayivitiy and being down all the time can be and how that negative behavior really does only push people away.

  7. What a heart-wrenching situation. Relationships are fraught with complex, unresolved issues that must be addressed before they become toxic nightmares. I send prayers and blessings for healing, wisdom and resolution.

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