In theory blending a family with two people who are absolutely in love should be a smooth process. This is taking into consideration that the children get along pretty awesome and the two parents have an amazing communication level to work out the kinks. What happens when the theory of this is how we will blend the family turns into this is it, what do we do?!
In theory two parents communicate to come down the middle road, or close to it, as a way to not turn one kids life versus the other kids upside down. His and hers. Hers and His. This would make total sense if the children in a blended family situation lived together for longer periods than just six days of the month, heck that isn’t even half of the month.
Once things were settled the plan was to set up some rules, guidelines so to speak and chore lists for all with rewards, you know how I roll…. creating guidelines, boundaries and responsibilities that also have a reward and consequence system that works wonders for any child I have ever seen this implemented on. I firmly believe that every child responds to my methods, if allowed the time needed to live them for a consistent basis, not six days out of the freaking month! All opinions we have in life are based on our own experiences of live n learn. We find what works best and we tweak what doesn’t work. I found the solution in my world to be the parent with a side of friendship, in turn, I was trying to help someone else gain that as well. IT isn’t working.
Original thought was to have rules for the older kids alongside chores, reward & consequence system that was clearly written out on poster board for all to read. While the little kids would have their own set of chores, rules/schedule as well as a reward/consequence system. The issue I have is that these other children, whom I have fallen in love with, care for deeply and have taken in as part of my family, DO NOT want anything to do with rules, guidelines, chores or anything. These kids just do not like it, do not want any part in it and are at times with a mindset that I can not comprehend. In all honesty, we cannot even seem to get them to understand what we feel to be the definition of family; to me family is anyone who you have taken into your world as “family”. This family definition to me does not hold by the standards of blood relation. I have so many people I call Uncle on my Dad‘s side that I think of as Uncles but they, in all reality, are just my Dad’s buddies who grew up with him and have been there since I was a baby. They have my back and I know that, they are family. On my Mom’s side, the man I call Grampa and know as Grampa, is not blood related but I will be damned if you tell me he isn’t my Grampa. That’s crazy. If someone has been a part of your life as “family” then they are FAMILY. If someone has come into your life loving you, caring for you, taking you in and trying to turn your world into a better, happy place, they are FAMILY.
I can understand kids not wanting rules, hell I know when I was a kid I loved having less rules and running the show so to speak. Rules? I wanted no part in that, however, the rules I did have, allowed me to become who I am today. I am very proud of who I am. In turn, I raised my children in a way that I thought would allow them to;
- Learn boundaries.
- Learn independence & who they are as a small person.
- Learn consequences for actions are part of life, not a sign of lack of love.
- Learn rewards come for those who work hard & try to do their best as well as be their best.
I wanted my kids to look to me as Mom, yup, I have been told I am hated by them from time to time. I have had head butting experiences where we just cannot get on the same page and I want to rip my own hair out. Then, on the flip side, we have it all – we love each other. No matter how much kids mess up, they have learned that Mom loves them NO MATTER WHAT. My kids have learned so much that while having a conversation with my 10 year old (almost 11) daughter, I am jaw dropped at how easily she understands and comprehends the reality of situations and how simple it would be if only others were to stop acting in such defiant ways simply because they are not allowed to isolate themselves from the world and sit on electronics 24/7.
This is a really hard road I am traveling right now. I am not traveling it alone. I have the most amazing partner in the world who is doing his best to work with me and gain input from others as to how best to handle the transition from his and mine to “ours”. We will get this because we all have fallen so in love with each other, or at least, that is how I feel. I would do anything for his kids just as I would my own kids, they are all part of “our new blended family”. I believe there is a solution to everything, the only downfall is that sometimes the immediate solution can sometimes be the most difficult of decision to make in your life. No matter the decision that must be made, it will have a positive end result somewhere down the line in the future!