You can tell when I am in this rut, although I am not really feeling down and out because I have an amazing support system in my immediate life, I just feel different. It’s as if I am just in a daze, maybe it’s due to Papa passing and having to use all of my strength to be there for my oldest during her grieving process or maybe it’s simply because I have this tendency to make myself be stronger than I need to be.
The love in my life aka Lee, was telling me the other day that I do not have to be so strong all of the time, we all have a breaking point, we all have that one thing that puts us over the limit of what we can handle. I was also reminded that this man I love is my shoulder to cry on, he had zero issues with me crying all night long when I found out that Papa had passed. Did not matter that Papa is my ex boyfriends Dad, Papa to my daughter .. why? Because this man, Papa, was a part of my world, a part of my daughter’s world and Lee “gets that”. Lee is like my twin in many ways, but we are different enough to keep each other moving forward instead of getting stuck in a rut for too long.
While I do not feel sad or down, I am just simply needing a moment or something, to breath, to cry, to write. Something. I am working on putting my finger on what it is I really need, but my work still needs to be done. So while writing on here is fun and therapy, there are reviews to be done, blog posts to be written and work to be completed for various freelance writing projects.
That is how it is. If I were to be a work outside of the home Mom, my job would require me to be back on game by now, I couldn’t sit and sulk and be in this blah state of mind. I would have to get up off of my butt and move forward. The other thing is, if I don’t whack out of this blah type personality or feeling, how am I showing my kids to move forward? That is what matters most, that I write to get things out of my head so I can be the role model I have always been for my kids.
While I am “just not feeling it”, I am “feeling”, I guess that is a good thing, right?!