I’ve Been Strong, But Heart Breaking

Many look to me as a super mom of sorts, I do a ton each day. I juggle the three kids, one having a mood disorder, the other being extremely hyper and the third going through her hormonal changes that come with adolescence.  I also do work for my social media marketing clients and writing for two blogs along side some freelance writing. Between all of that, what is left? A single parent household with a mom who has more time for her kids due to her job she has taken on since 2006, but you also have a Mom who has little to no adult time, four days a month break from her sons who require a lot more attention than an average child and a Mom who at times does hit her limit of what she can handle.

That is me now, at this time. I have hit my limit of what I can handle in parenthood, okay so I can handle more because I have to and I am pretty good at putting myself into a time out and getting rest in between the few hours my sons are sleeping lately, but something is starting to feel as if it’s missing. I am not quite sure what that is, but I am thinking that feeling of something missing isn’t quite as plain as a black n white answer.

I mentioned my son has a mood disorder, well last April vacation during the school year, my now six year old was diagnosed with a mood disorder, questionable bipolar. My ex husband and I knew that something was going on with him from birth, the kid was born angry. They first diagnosed ADHD and I have written about my son’s mood disorder for a long time now, but finally the mood disorder diagnosis and the medication Rispderidal (generic is Risperidone) seemed to have the answer.

With having a growing child that requires medication to function in a somewhat normal way means that there will be med changes as he gets older, gains weight, grows into his skin, etc. That is where my life is now, that is where his life is now. My son is a very strong, sweet child. Compassionate and loving while also having a sad and angry side. A bit of an emotional roller coaster ride for him as well as anyone in his full time life; his siblings and me mostly.  After gaining a significant amount of weight, my sons pediatric psychiatrist stated that we should wait a couple of months to be 100% sure that his changes in mood and behavior were not based on something else going on.

After that appointment I have watched my six year old struggle with controlling his mood switches, his anger and being part of the family unit. These are all of the struggles he dealt with growing up until last April vacation when the mood disorder diagnosis came. I am also watching my six year old son act as if he really isn’t here, it’s so hard to explain to someone who has not witness this their own self. I explained to my ex husband the signs that are going on and he shook his head. He knows all too well what the signs of our sons mood disorder are like and he also knows that comes with lack of sleep.

Yes, my son having gained weight now means his meds are off but it’s a process to get his dosage changed because, thankfully, we are working with people who do not just write a script at the drop of a hat, they take time to ensure there is nothing else going on. In the meantime my heart is breaking and my emotions are on edge because so are my sons. It’s true that my six year old and I have always been very close, meaning that our energies feed off of each other, if he is having an up and down day, so am I . If he is happy and loving, so am I. For some reason his energy always affects mine and when he is properly medicated my positive energy reflects upon him. While his medication isn’t the right dose, my positive energy diminishes and all that is left is one exhausted, sad mom who has to watch as her son tells her “Mama I am trying to control this but I can’t”, and there is nothing this Mom can do other than continue to fight for his med change and watch the signs come to ensure she has a detailed report of what is going on for his specialists he sees.

So if you see me on Twitter, Facebook or my blogs acting slightly emotional, this is why, this is 100% why and while I have some outlets here at home, the majority of my outlets and parenthood community is online. I thank you friends that are here for me, your ears and shoulders are appreciated. I thank you readers for reading this and being here for me. Hopefully soon my son will have his meds changed so that he can no longer struggle with his emotional roller coaster ride as I know it’s not any fun for him, me or his siblings either.

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3 comments

  1. Robin (Masshole Mommy) (193 comments) says:

    I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but you seem to be managing it very well. You are a rock for your children and they all know how much you love them. That counts for everything!

  2. Rosey (987 comments) says:

    Your honesty is always refreshing, and I wish I could wave a wand and make everything absolutely perfect for you.

    When our children struggle, no matter what it’s with, we struggle as well. It’s nice to hear you giving props to a dr. who takes great care w/a prescription too! Hoping all levels out for you all soon!

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