Yes. I am utterly exhausted. Ever get to that point in life when so much…
I have been having one of those months, it seems every time I turn around something hasn’t been sent to me that should have, the kids need me and meanwhile I am on the verge of a total breakdown. I could bang my head against a wall, something I often say I just may do if the kids don’t settle down. I always say it with a smile, so I assume that makes it sound less awful?
I could run around crying and screaming. I could climb back into bed and shut out the world. I could do a whole lot of stuff that wouldn’t solve a freaking thing. Instead, my darn brain refuses to let me break down for more than a few moments. I allow myself time to feel as if I am going to cry, breath in air while sitting on the deck and just remember that I have faith and a great attitude. Good things come to good people, even if they have to walk a rocky road to get there.
It’s so difficult to work from home, it’s easy in some ways because I get to do what I absolutely love – writing – and get paid for it, but in some ways when people pay by check instead of PayPal for example, it sucks. It really truly sucks. Contracts with various vendors have an agreement to send you payment from 30 days all the way up to 90 days. I get it, it’s business, but even when I worked outside of the home at an office – when times got tough and something came up I would be able to get some form of a cash advance from my employer.
They trusted me, they knew me as a person in person, not as some virtual person who seems to be legit but who ever knows in this Internet world who is real and who is being fake real. I am real real, a human being who has the fight of her life ahead of her, who has been fighting a serious battle for probably about a year now. Someone who feels like she can’t bear this fight any longer but knows she has to keep moving forward or else all can fall apart for someone special and close to her heart.
It’s so difficult some days, but when I am having one of those days, I am thankful for my brain that refuses to let me get down. My brain is wired differently it seems, even differently than it was a few years ago, it doesn’t allow me to break down more than humanly acceptable. My brain won’t let me sink into some deep state of depression so that nothing gets accomplished and for that reason alone, I thank my brain today, I thank my positive mindset and I thank that I have faith to lead me through the days of hardships because without all of that? I would be curled up in bed right now not writing this blog post.
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