Walking With My Daughter
Last night I took some time to take a walk with my daughter. The routine…
Ever since my five year old son was born I knew something was different about him, but I swore it was only because I felt not ready to be a mom. Honestly, I had zero interest in being a mother again but I was pregnant and about to have another child. I blamed myself for so long and to this day I sometimes am caught blaming myself for the way Aj is, but I have been reassured that my feelings of not wanting a baby, these internal feelings, are not the cause for who my child is. I am not to blame, even though I know this for a fact, it’s hard to swallow and accept.
Ever since Aj was a baby he seemed angry, he was always crying, ate constantly and for that reason I only breastfed him for 8 weeks, yes I gave myself a hard time about that too, considering I had breastfed my first born for 9 months before she stopped taking to the breast and preferred the bottle. It seems that no matter what diagnosis Aj gets, I still go back to his days of being in my womb. I never listened to cool music, I don’t remember ever “talking” to him, nothing. I just was at a total state of disconnect, which makes sense for the position I was in during that time of my life.
Now, fast forward to age 2, I finally realized something was truly different about Aj, he wasn’t your typical acting out 2 year old, something was much deeper. At first we went to see a family psychiatrist after a referral from his pediatrician, that didn’t go over so well. I left there pretty angry for that man wanted to put my 2 year old son on a skitzo type medication, seriously?! So I walked out and finally walked into a counselor’s office, one counselor who has really assisted in getting answers and seems to truly care about my son.
After a long time of seeing this counselor it appears we are all on the same page, my five year old same may indeed be bipolar. The problem with being first diagnosed with ADHD and now a mood disorder is this: the new pediatric psychiatrist is “new to our situation” so they have to go through their route of diagnosis, which I respect, but despise. The mood fluctuations of my son need to be resolved now, not later. We’ve already spent at least a year in counseling, probably longer, to diagnosis a mood disorder, of course after testing out if this was learned behavior or not and other routes to ensure a mood disorder was proper diagnosis. We can not wait, he can not wait, he needs a chance now to have a normal life, to have bonds with friends that stem long term, that are not weathered by mood fluctuations and anxiety.
To make a long story short, we are now moving forward in trying to see what the pediatric psychiatrist will do, the counselor took the time to speak with her on his opinions and findings from our seeing him and stressed the importance of trying a mood stabilizer. I just hope and honestly, pray, that things will finally move forward, I hate watching my five year old son have no control over his moods, have no control over who he is and get sad over being mean but knowing he can’t control it. He is in school now and has learned to communicate what’s going on with him better, he has already told me that “sometimes when he is angry, he can think and it’s okay but then other times he is so angry that he can’t think harder to stop the anger” my son, at age five, went on to say that he “doesn’t want to be a bad boy, but he can’t think harder enough to stop sometimes”.
My heart breaks, but behind that broken heart lies a mom ready to fight, fight with all of her might to get her son properly diagnosed and ready to have a fresh start at a real childhood with normal moods and normal behavior. I have no problems with a child acting at his age level on things, but watching my son grow is like watching my sister all over again and I refuse to let him go down the road she went down because no one knew what was going on with her, yes my sister is bipolar and she went through hell and back before being diagnosed in her early 20’s with this condition. My son will not have to live that life, no way will I let that happen!