Sometimes We all Need a Good Cry

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I am a firm believer that a good cry, the release of tears, can honestly make a person move forward quicker and feel better faster. What happens when you feel so bottled up that you can’t cry though? That’s me. I used to be a cry baby, cried over anything, extremely sensitive {okay I am still sensitive} but now? I am lucky if I get a tear drop falling and if it does fall it quickly disappears.  All too often I get into this moment where I feel as if I can’t take anymore of things and I just want to curl up for a long nap.

Being a mom to three and doing all that I do to keep up and remember things on a regular basis is extremely difficult, but it never used to be. I have to wonder if my hormones are messed up since having three children for you know I haven’t been to the doctors in ages and I am having major pains in my lower abdomen on a regular basis. It seems I go from almost tears to somewhat okay then back to wanting to cry again.

That’s when I pick up my prepaid cell phone and start texting my friend, I am sure they have their own problems and I don’t mean to vent to them but who else can I vent to? I don’t have anyone inside of the home that listens or talks to me when I get into the mind set that I can’t handle much more.

Raising my daughter was easy, but now that she is getting into the tween years some days are a challenge, however, I can take her challenges, she is outspoken and honest so I don’t have to play guessing games with what’s on her mind, usually. Raising my three year old son is relatively easy although he was born into the family being the PUNK, uniquely nicknamed, quite honestly by accident, after my father who is also called PUNK.

Now, my middle child, who is currently five years old and will turn six in August has been a unique child since day one. This is a child who has never really cared for snuggles, hugs nor kisses. My five year old never was the cuddling type and always had this underlying anger since the day he was born. I have come to realize that it’s not necessarily an underlying anger per say, it’s more of an underlying irritability about him that means any moment he can erupt into uncontrollable anger. Now that my five year old can articulate his words better, he is able to explain to me that he can’t think hard enough to control his aggressive outbursts and it makes me sad.

It used to be aggressive outbursts at home only, in places he was comfortable but now since we’ve been going out to the library for Bingo for Books once a week and other such places to have fun times, he has become comfortable in public, enough so to punch me in the chin at an art show for the kids and almost kick his sister at Bingo for books. The problem that really hits home for me, is that many stare at me and him as if I am a horrible mom with an uncontrollable “bad son”. That hurts me to my core.

What these strangers should see is that I have THREE children at these events and out of the three only this ONE is acting in such a manner, so maybe they should think out their judgement prior to giving me a look that makes me feel like a failure. I only feel like a failure for a few moments, for on my strong days I am able to remember my own practice “you can only feel what you allow yourself to feel, no one else has control over your feelings”. I am human though and it hurts, as a mom and as a person, to watch my son fight for control over his mood swings and for me to be fighting to get his medicine right and to work with him and figure out if he is indeed bipolar or not.

It’s been a five year struggle and fight, but that is what I will keep doing and so I say to all of my friends that I text like crazy when a bad moment happens, thank you for listening to me, for not yelling at me for venting. That is what true friendship is for and anyone with a child who has such symptoms can completely understand how difficult it is to do this alone. Friendship means the world to me, now if I can only have more local friends to lean my head on their shoulder and cry because sometimes we all need a good cry!

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  1. MommaDJane (376 comments) says:

    I know exactly what you mean. I hate feeling like I’m ‘that mother’ at the event. With all the stares and thoughts sent our way of ‘why is she letting her child act that way?’. It stinks. I’ll never forget a time when someone said something about how Gabby was acting when coming off the airplane after our Make-a-Wish trip the week before her surgery. She was off all medication to prepare for brain surgery and this woman was too busy casting judgment to stop and realize she was disabled. It was awful. Hang in there girl and know you can ALWAYS text me no matter the time of day. Love ya.
    MommaDJane´s last blog post ..Anti-Bullying Is Not Just For Kids

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