When my son Aj was born I knew there was something different about him, he was that baby that barely anyone would babysit twice, he was an angry baby from day one. I still breastfed him for eight weeks but being born at 9lbs 5oz this boy wanted to eat more than I could handle nursing him for, while taking care of my then four year old kindergartner daughter. It was all too much and so Aj was switched to formula around 8 weeks of age.
I will be honest, I had this gut feeling that something was up with Aj, but part of me just remove that thought until he was 2 years old. The reason being? I was comparing Aj’s personality to his older sister who was one of those children you would have loved to have six of because even to this day she is relatively an easy child to parent, gives me few issues about anything and is a real sweetheart.
My son Aj is a real sweetheart, but only when he is on a “good mood” high. This child will not be affectionate most times, that actually irritates him to his core. Funny thing is, he was born into an affectionate kind of family but he hates affection most days. It has been difficult to have a child who doesn’t want you to hold him when he gets hurt, who doesn’t want you to kiss his boo-boo’s better and who isn’t really into the family fun and laughter times.
To watch a child grow for the past five years with a low key emotional response to anything has been extremely difficult, especially since he has two siblings who love affection and just being near one another as a family. I was blaming myself for not being ready for a second child, after all Aj wasn’t planned and for not being affectionate enough as a Mother to him when he was a baby, but I have been reassured over and over again by not only Aj’s counselor but other specialists and my immediate family that this is simply how my son is wired. Nothing I did, nothing I can do will change it.
If a psychiatrist diagnoses Aj with a mood disorder, quite possibly bi-polar, it is all about a chemical imbalance in his brain and that my friends isn’t something any parent can create, we don’t have a magic wand to get inside of our children’s head and mess with their gene build up or brain wiring so to speak. So even though I accept this isn’t my fault, I still wish there was a way to fix it without medication. I know bi-polar people have to be on meds all of their life and that alone makes me worry about him having health insurance as an adult and coverage from me if I should happen to no longer have the health insurance he has now.
I know, I worry too much, but don’t we all go through a time or two of worrying about our children? For me, this has been three years of worrying and I won’t stop now because worrying is what created the drive in me to fight for a solution for Aj since he was two years old.