Twas Monday Night
Twas Monday night in the Brandy Ellen household, it was only 8:30pm and the kids…
I admit I walk on egg shells when it comes to some of my family members and people I shouldn’t even associate with. I have a hard time being assertive I guess the word is. It could also be that I worry about what others will think deep inside my head even though I walk around telling myself I don’t care what others think about me and my life.
I am working hard at coming to terms with being a single Mom, I am working hard at knowing I am truly happy with the decisions that have been made to create the life I am living now. I know in my heart this is what I want but a small part of me is stressing about what others will think of me, if I will hurt other peoples feelings by following my own heart and I will be honest my body is taking a toll. I lay down to sleep and worry so much that my stomach starts hurting and when I wake up I am usually really sick. The stress from worrying is creating health issues and of course I don’t have health insurance, although I did apply for a program and got coverage so I have to look into that a little bit more and see what it entails for approved services.
I have to be at my best for my children and when they are home I focus on them the best I can but a small part of me is missing because I hide some of my personal life happiness from others, why? Because I fear … I fear that I will hurt someones feelings or I will get negative feedback from some of my family. I don’t know why at age 28 I still walk on egg shells and act as if I am a child. I don’t know why some of my family still talks to me as if I am a child, probably because no matter how old a person gets our elders will look to us as their “baby” forever. I know I probably will look to my children as my “babies” even when they are grown adults.
What I do feel is that even when my children are adults and I am looking to them as my “babies” still I know that I will support their decisions and be there to pick up the pieces should they fall down and get hurt. I know I will be there no matter what my personal opinion is, I know that I will tell my personal feelings about a situation without judgement and negative feedback. I will let my “babies” know that they are living their life and Mama is here to be by their side through the ups and downs. Some days I wish I had that kind of support and less negative feedback. Some people have placed me on some high horse with expectations no living person could live up to and yet instead of sticking up for the facts as they are, I hide away and don’t open up to some of my family and friends.
Today is a new day, it’s time to start telling the world how happy I am and let them spew their negative on someone else. I won’t take the negative any longer, unless someone wants to provide me with productive feedback and opinions based on a non-judgmental attitude then I don’t want to hear it. If someone wants to know what I am doing, how I am doing then stop reading my Facebook wall to keep up; how about you call me, stop by and see how happy I am now … how the smile on my face continues to grow larger as each day of my new found happiness continues. And if you can’t handle taking a moment of your time to stop by and say hello and see how my life is so much happier, then maybe I don’t need to take time out of my happy life to be a part of yours.
I understand family life gets busy, we all have to work more and more as prices of life increase, but still take the time to call a loved one today, ask them how they are doing, truly feel happy for their happiness even if you do not approve or understand why they are happy. Family and friends are suppose to support each other without judgment, without blame and without negative comments.
Remember when you are talking to others, whether they be friends or family, that you have a right to be proud of who you are and where your life has led you even if no one else understands or can be supportive about it!