I have always been and probably will always be a very independent person. I honestly would prefer to raise my children as a single mother and lately I feel like it’s more selfish thinking than independent thinking but here goes …
My daughter was raised with the help of my ex boyfriend, her father, since age 4 months. We both didn’t get along very well at all, huge physical and verbal altercations. The great thing about my ex and I is that although there were many issues between us as a couple we were able to raise our daughter, who is now 7 in a way that created a very positive, well rounded, smart little girl. We both were happier apart and so our daughter was able to grow up happier too.
I loved raising my daughter alone, what I enjoyed most was that I didn’t have to answer to anyone, I didn’t have to question if I should or should not go out to the bar to meet up with my guy friends when she was gone for the weekend, I had every other weekend off from being Mom and was able to be Brandy. My daughter was able to co-sleep with me without having another person tell me that was a bad habit to get into, we were able to come and go as we pleased, if we wanted to take a walk, we did it, playground, sure and no matter what happened I was happy, truly happy nearly 24/7.
I find myself longing to be that single Mom again, no not the “same single mom” but a new single mom, one who can have her guy friends, one who can have every other weekend alone, one who now works from home but is able to better balance that work at home and life situation because she is happier. When my husband and I decided to separate, I feel we gave in too quickly to move back in together. Financially it makes sense, but emotionally it has been killing me inside. I have been questioning if I am thinking selfish thoughts, if I am just plain too independent to share my life with someone or if there are truly issues.
I think what it comes down to is that I am a very independent person, and I like my privacy. I think many of my relatives are the same way, those who are unable to stay in a committed relationship or those who have been divorced over and over again. I enjoy my freedom to come and go, I enjoy having my children gone every other weekend. I admit when my husband moved out and took the boys for the first two nights away from me, I freaked out, crying and felt like I had my heart pulled out of my chest but at the same time it was nice to have a much needed break from being Mommy. You see, I am the one who spends the most time with the boys and haven’t been away from them for more than a few hours at a time their whole life!
In the short time my husband was gone it was like a big boulder had been lifted off of my chest, I could now relax, I was cleaning like never before, playing more with the kids, dancing around, smiling and having a blast. I was able to put the kids to bed and focus on working from my computer on my blog and business clients. I was focused and driven, I felt GREAT and HAPPY again.
I wonder if I am simply just a person who is not meant to share their living space with someone, maybe I am just happier alone, some people truly are happier when they live alone. I will keep thinking this through to determine if maybe, just maybe that person is me.
Make it a Happy Day!