Selfish Thoughts

Image by Dave-F via Flickr

Lately I have been stressed right out, and it’s been hard to focus on my happy. After living with my  husband for nearly four years and becoming a Mom not once but three times in 7 years I realized I have lost little pieces of me along the way. Don’t get me wrong, I feel as a person I have grown; my whole outlook to life and how I handle situations has changed for the positive, but “who I am” has been missing for a while.

Without getting into details meant only for a best friend forever, there is a lot going on here in my house. From my husband not being able to find a job to me having to pick up the financial slack it’s been a pretty testing time for my family and myself. This home we live in was purchased by ME as a single mother of one back in 2005, so even though we are married I find it hard to not be a little bit selfish about the worrying of losing this house. After all I worked very hard to get into this house, which isn’t a dream home by any means, but it’s a home I can call our families home with a nice large back yard to play in.

I find myself thinking thoughts that I have to get my butt in gear to save our bills and home or else, because if hubs isn’t going to  find a job or babysit the boys so I can work more from home, then something has to give and unfortunately for me it seems I may have to suck it up and go back to work. Some days going back to work sounds like a great dream, but you already know I tried that route, so what I decided to do was apply to 1-800-FLOWERS who is hiring for work at home customer service reps from a few states, my state was one of them! I will keep you posted on this home job, because after passing their online application and training process I have my first phone interview with them this afternoon.

I know it’s human to think selfish sometimes, but it’s not who I am. So I wonder if maybe I am just in “survival mode” and it means no matter what or how this affects my husband, if we can’t put our heads together and find him a job then I have to do whatever it takes to make our financial situation secure. After feeling guilty for what seems like weeks I am now ready to focus my energy on doing what needs to be done for the benefit of our families happiness. I feel working a home job is the answer for many reasons, but the two most important ones are:

1. It will allow me keep my routine of interacting, playing and attending to the children’s needs and events.
2. It will make me happy knowing I am only a door away from my children should something happen.

Finding my happy is also going to involve finding the right foods to eat, I am ready to focus on nutrition and stop eating out or eating those fast meals we cook all too often in our house. The fast meals we cook have done nothing but add to my mid section and I am ready to get rid of that mid section with the help of changing my eating habits. I am also thinking about attending a program called Old School PE where you get to have a great adult night out but exercise playing old PE type games! I am way too shy to just walk into an event like this, but hoping to get my courage up for next week’s local event!

Make it a Happy Day!